Touhou Zangetsuden - Beam Katana Chronicles
by Tsuki-Sennin
Summary: Travis Touchdown is spirited away by a strange woman called Yukari Yakumo to an even stranger place called Gensokyo. Lost, disoriented, and angry that he didn't finish his fight, Travis, with aid from Gensokyo's weird residents, seeks to put an end to the newest incident so he can kill Yukari and return home. Rated T for violence, language, and sex jokes. (Might change later to M.)
1. Prologue: Spiriting Away

A/N: Well, this'll probably be the first story I'm uploading onto this account. Uh… Tsuki-Sennin's first story on here is a Touhou/No More Heroes crossover. I mean, Touhou has been crossed over with nearly everything under the sun, and No More Heroes has a relatively small crossover section anyway. But you're not here for some guy who only just made an account a few days ago, are you? You're here for this.

Touhou: Beam Katana Chronicles

* * *

Prologue: Spiriting Away

It was a quiet summer Friday sunset in the city known as Santa Destroy. Students were returning home from their latest bouts of drinking in Gold Town, Body Slam Beach's tanners and would-be surfers returned to their motel rooms in sunburned shambles, businessmen and prostitutes were sharing quality cheap dinners at Suplex Pizza or Burger Suplex, and in the shadowed alleyways assassins were slicing each other down with beam katanas and baseball bats, with each skirmish was punctuated with the occasional gunshot.

Travis Touchdown hadn't had time to appreciate the darkness of Santa Destroy. He had pulled up to the graveyard his faithful mechanical beast of a bike known as the Schpeltiger II. He dismounted his faithful steed, and approached a headstone in silence. He crossed his arms, and looked down.

Travis Touchdown was a man, of about 30 years of age, who wore a light red leather jacket, blue jeans, and yellow aviator shades that shielded his blue eyes. He worked as one of many assassins in the United Assassins Association. In fact, he was the highest ranked assassin in the country. He's on an official hiatus at the moment (as the Association is currently disbanded), but occasionally some random jerk-off will challenge him to a fight. It didn't happen today, but it's been happening more than usual lately.

Once he had finished his silence for Bishop, he turned around and rode his bike home.

Home just so happened to be a shitty motel, one of the oldest still standing in the city in fact. Motel "NO MORE HEROES" and the people who stay in it are cheap, poorly maintained, and one police investigation away from condemnation, if they put the effort in. But fortunately, the Santa Destroy Police Department doesn't know the meaning of the word "effort". Travis remembered reading a forum post way back in the day asking if someone could live in a motel. The guy wondered if it'd be better than living in his 1100$ rent apartment. Travis verdict? Yeah, you could, especially in one as derelict as Motel "NO MORE HEROES".

The place had two stories, and Travis lived up top. The doors were a teal color, and the outer walls were something close to a buttery yellow. On the roof Travis had stopped in the parking lot and jumped off the bike, heading upstairs to take a well-earned sleep after a day of performing odd jobs. He opened the door, and took a seat in his armchair in front of the TV. His hotel room had three major areas, the Living Room, the Bedroom, and the Bathroom. His living room was where he kept most of his stuff, like his extensive collection of Luchador Masks, his Bizarre Jelly merchandise (including that coffee mug that misspelled Blueberry as "Raspberry"), his Superwild DVDs, punk CDs, and a portrait of his master Thunder Ryu above the flat-screen.

Nothing on TV really caught his eye after he spent 30 minutes watching the latest episode of "Bizarre Jelly 5: Creamy Parfait Smile!" on the DVR. While Travis was enjoying the intricate character development, the stunning animation, the battles with the Glaston units and the demons, the anarchistic ass-kicking enacted by the Glastonbury, and of course the wonderful music, he couldn't help but feel like he was being… watched. He tried to put these out of his mind as the "To Be Continued" text popped up on the screen immediately after Strawberry learned about the identity of the Masked Lady Thornberry, who turned out to be at the vice principal of their school. ("Yeah!" Travis said. "Knew the voices sounded similar! They can use aliases for the seiyuu all they like, they'll never pull a fast one on me! Man, do I feel good!")

He went over to check his answering machine.

" _You have_ -TWO- _new messages."_

The machine beeped. _"Hi, this is Diane from Beef Head Video. Just calling to remind you that one of our videos… uh… 'Princesses of the Tennis Court: Love-40 between Girls' is due for return tomorrow. Please do so, Mr. Touchdown. Thank you, and have a nice evening."_

Shit, he forgot about that. Better return it before he goes to bed and avoid hassle. He might as well walk there.

The machine beeped again. _"Hello, little brother. Just calling to let you know that I'll be dropping in for a visit. I promise this message won't be as long as last time. Anyway, I don't have much time to explain why, so I'll tell you as much as I can."_

Henry Cooldown's Irish accented voice paused for a brief second. What the hell is happening with him? The pause continued for a solid 5 seconds, until he then continued, sounding slightly more jovial. _"I imagine you're not gonna be home till around 10 PM, Pacific Standard Time. No need to pick me up from the airport, I'll come by on my own at around… I'd say, 2 PM tomorrow. I've picked up rumors of someone looking to kidnap you. If you plan on going out between when I expect you to hear this message, and when I'm supposed to arrive, please bring all of your beam katanas with you so that you at least have something to defend yourself with."_

"Jeez, what does he think I am, a fucking moron?" Travis groused.

" _I know you believe me to think you're a fucking moron or whatever, but I ask that you take this seriously. I have no idea what this person is capable of, or what they would want with someone like you, but it most certainly can't be good. I ask that you take an extra precaution and only eat from freshly opened sealed food. And when you go to bed, make sure that you lock the door."_

"Will you hurry up?" Travis moaned again. "I need to take this back before I get in trouble."

" _Don't worry, I'll hurry up now. I also suggest not hanging out around Akashic Points or anything supernatural. Not that I have any power to stop you, but at least I can sleep on the plane knowing that I tried. Good night, little brother."_

The message ended there. Travis sighed as he armed himself. Whatever shit will await him, he wasn't sure. What he WAS sure about was that he could handle it.

* * *

"C'mon, you fucker! Come fight me!"

Well, shit. As it turns out some dude had shown up to duel Travis at the counter. He even has him up at gunpoint. So THIS was the guy Mr. Sir Henry Motherfucker himself was worried about? What a scam!

"Uh, could you please wait a second? Mr. Touchdown's finally returning something on time for once." Diane said from behind the counter, not even looking up from the computer. "Also, if you're gonna fight, could you please take it outside?"

The dude scowled, and stormed out, leaving Travis and Diane alone.

"Will you be renting anything else, or…" Diane asked, checking her phone.

"Nope, I'm just gonna go home and go to bed." Travis shook his head.

"Have a good night." She called.

He honestly was too tired to deal with some random asshole right now, but if it'd make the bastard's night to get himself wrecked by him, then he suppose he'll have to do it. He pulled one of his blades off of his belt… the Tsubaki Mk. III would do. He twirled it around in his hand, steeled himself, and stepped outside…

Except when he went outside, the punk was nowhere to be seen. All that talk, and the guy just left.

"Hey, asshole! Where'd you go!? You're gonna challenge me and just leave? What the hell?"

At least he thought he left. No, as it turns out, he was apparently hanging out in a creepy hole in space time just suspended in the air which almost immediately when he came out. Not like that's a big deal, right?

Well, the punk, when he fell onto the blister-inducing Santa Destroy asphalt like a ragdoll, immediately scampered away, screaming all the while. Clearly it was a big deal to him, and Travis was inclined to agree.

"Shit… that's it, time to bolster my defenses." He muttered, and that was all of what the rest of Santa Destroy heard of Travis Touchdown for the night.

Travis slept with one eye open, as it were. His Scottish Fold Jeane had taken to standing guard against whatever thing her master was paranoid of. Travis could handle lots of things. Cool, controlled drifters, psychotic girls with psychotic weapons, armies of trained hitmen, some of the biggest, most out there freaks the world has ever known.

So why did he feel this sense of dread going down his spine?

He sat there in his bed, waiting for Henry to come over. 1:00 AM, his Strawberry alarm clock said.

His eyes fell heavy, but he was still paying attention.

He felt his weariness overtake him. His body leaned forward. Couldn't hurt to shut his eyes. Maybe the kidnapper's power wasn't making holes in the fabric of reality, maybe it was some kind of selective invisibility. Yeah… no need to get all worked up. It's a flimsy excuse, but it worked enough for him…

Snores filled the motel room. The man who owned it had fallen to a deep sleep. The one who had stepped over the boundary of privacy had entered. She cast her eyes at the man sleeping in the bedroom, who had a grey cat on his chest. He didn't look like much, especially when compared to the people the woman had battled in the past, but she knew that this one would be the key to the incident that will soon overtook them both.

The woman was wearing a purple Chinese-style tabard with various symbols over a pale pink Western-style dress with black hands with white designs on the sleeves, and her blonde hair topped by a mob cap with a pink ribbon. Her golden eyes scanned the bedroom. She opened up a gap, not unlike the one the man saw earlier that evening during his short-lived confrontation with the punk. The cat rolled idly off of him and onto the bed, not even bothering to acknowledge her master's disappearance.

* * *

Travis Touchdown woke up to find himself in Destroy Stadium, of all places. He certainly didn't have a sleepwalking problem, but there couldn't be any other-

 _The hole._ Travis realized. He would've ignored it otherwise as some kind of sleep-deprived, but from what he could see of the sky, he imagined it was almost dawn anyway. Besides, the clutter he used as a make-shift barricade would've been difficult to get through.

"Shit, this guy is supernatural, even for my standards." Travis said. He fumbled around slightly, and sure enough, he was still fully armed with his beam katanas, strangely enough. Therefore, he placed his hand on one of them.

"You'd do well to be careful, Travis Touchdown." A female voice cut through the silence, seemingly right behind Travis. He whirled around, with his now blue-bladed Blood Berry beam katana in hand. Only to find that the woman was not there. "Behind you."

Travis whirled around, and fell down to the ground in surprise. A woman was standing there, who seemed to have finished opening her pink parasol.

"Good morning, Travis." She said. "I see you are on guard."

Travis scampered back up. "Who the hell are you?"

The woman had taken to sitting on one of those weird gaps. "My name is Yukari Yakumo, and I wish to test your skills."

Travis scowled. "Well no offense, Yukari, but I just woke up, and I usually like to eat breakfast before I bisect people. I'll be using whatever cash you have on you to pay for my meal at Gloomy Cafe!"

"That's fine, because you won't be decapitating me today." She waved her hand slightly, and a gap had opened up, and a beam had shot out of it firing directly at Travis. "I only wish to gauge your abilities in as controlled an environment as possible."

The beam knocked Travis into another gap, which then dropped him out of the sky and onto the pitching mound.

"Alright then, bring it on!"

* * *

 _Whoa there, Charlie! You know the general controls of the No More Heroes series? You know how Touhou works too, right? Well, basically, I tried to combine both series' gameplay in something like this. Don't worry, I won't interrupt the story for too long!_

Travis heard a bizarre voice in his head as he sized up Yukari, who had been staring him down.

"Shit, a tutorial?" he muttered. "In a goddamn fanfiction? Why'd you think this is a good idea?"

 _No particular reason. I just wanted to clear it up so that someone who stumbles across this story who hasn't played one half of this shitty crossover could enjoy this story fully!_

"That makes sense, but what if they haven't played either game?" Yukari asked.

 _Then I doubt they'd even be reading this far! My writing's dull as hell. Anyway, you two seem to be getting more and more familiar with each other, so I might as well leave you two to fighting for now. Travis! Your Blood Berry's jacked and throbbing, so make sure to take full advantage of it. You don't need a Wii Remote or PS Move controller! Just do what you do best, and our reader friends can party along! The "Heroes Paradise" port isn't all that great anyway!_

He grunted for a second as he considered these words, before ultimately shouting "I will!"

Travis darted forward and swung high at Yukari's shoulder, where she casually deflected it with a slap of her parasol. Twice she repeated this process until he finally managed to stun her with a few quick hitting strikes to her lower body, and then managed to Dragon Suplex her into the Stadium's AstroTurf, where he then stabbed her with the pointed receiver of the katana. She made to stab him with the point of her umbrella, which he dodged, and then she whirled the fucking thing around, which managed to send Travis stumbling back as she used one of the gaps to teleport back.

 **Barrier "Curse of Dreams and Reality"**

 _Looks like Yukari's gonna use some kinda special! These are Spell Cards, which enable humans to fight on equal footing with Youkai! No need to worry, Travis, you can use them too! Be wary though, you can only use 'em with a full Magic Gauge!_

 _Sweet!_ Travis thought to himself, as he began dodging the green and blue leaves and petals of explosive energy. _Now this is a proper challenge!_

As he dodged, he grew closer to Yukari, he homed in on an open spot, and replaced his blue Blood Berry with the green-bladed and white-handled Tsubaki Mk. III, ready to begin swinging much faster than before. He opened up by rolling in front of Yukari, and took a rapid series of swings and slashes.

"You're quite skilled, Travis." Yukari complimented as she dropped him into a gap that in turn dropped him all the way on the other side of the stadium, sending a beam of energy in after him, then firing off fans of energy bullets at him when he emerged.

"Thank you!" Travis shouted back as he dodged the beam. "You're not half bad yourself, you know! In fact, thanks to you, I can finally do this!"

"Do it!" Yukari smiled as she brought her parasol down in front of her.

Travis gained a steely glint in his eye as his weapon's battery gained a surge of energy, and smirked as he felt time rocket forward.

 **N.M.H. "It's Kill or Be Killed!"**

Travis's body surged with energy as he bolted towards Yukari with excitement in his heart. Yukari, feeling a similar sense of exhilaration, steadied her grip and opened up a gap. Travis thought she was going to use another Spell Card, but instead, she took the guarded against the blow, and fell into the gap with Travis in tow.

Travis was in utter ecstasy right now. He could feel the roaring of his spirit as he pursued battle with Yukari Yakumo, putting everything he had into this struggle. He shouted and dashed forward into her, ready to land the killing blow! …only for Yukari to break the clash and have him slam into a tree. The collision didn't kill Travis. He DEFINITELY heard something crack, but overall, he was in less pain than he expected. He'll likely feel it tomorrow, but hey, that didn't matter to him right now. Yukari just ditched him! What a bitch!

But this tree, however, was definitely not part of Santa Destroy's local flora. For one thing, it seemed to be still alive without a sense of stubbornness about it. On top of that, it was still relatively young, and it didn't topple over when he crashed into it.

He felt something enter his pocket. A note. He opened it up, and read all five words of it.

"Welcome, Travis Touchdown, to Gensokyo."

He looked up, and saw a nearby shrine. Time to get some sense of direction. And hopefully figure out what the hell is going on.

* * *

And thus ends the first chapter of Touhou: Beam Katana Chronicles! I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading. Also, if you're curious, yes, I am borrowing moves from Yukari's appearance in Scarlet Weather Rhapsody (though it's hard to translate as I'm not very good at fighting games), and I am in fact theming Travis's Spell Cards after tracks from No More Heroes and Desperate Struggle (as well as his special moves from both games, but we're not there yet). If Travis Strikes Again comes out at the end of this year like it's supposed to, then there'll also be cards themed after tracks from there. This story will indeed have an emphasis on fight scenes.

Hopefully I'll be able to finish the next chapter soon!


	2. Chapter 1: The Forest of Magic

Chapter 1: Delivery Job In The Forest of Magic

* * *

Travis had pulled himself out of the small wood. This definitely wasn't anywhere he knew of, or even heard of. The farthest he's ever been in his life was on a vacation to Barcelona with his mother, where he saw the world famous Running of the Bulls and dined on authentic Catalan cuisine. It was a memory he treasured deeply, and being out here in a funky place like this seemed to remind him of that somehow.

 _Felt like I stepped into a whole other world back then. Is this what I'm feeling now? Travis thought to himself as he saw a small stone path leading to that shrine. This curiosity, this wanderlust… Hot damn. I wanna explore this place. Sure, the over-world in the first game was empty, but to be able to walk around like this… I missed it..._

He realized that the tree he crashed into was actually a cherry tree, which was neither native to Santa Destroy nor good to grow in it. In fact, he had just been in a whole grove of them. Travis wondered how far he had gone from Santa Destroy. Judging by the apparent age of the shrine, which was very run down, Travis believed that he was in a more traditionally minded area. Which means a foreigner like me probably won't be especially welcome around here.

Fucking hell, should he even try to check if someone's here? For all he knew, it could be abandoned.

Fuck it. He ultimately decided, and approached the shrine's entrance. His Japanese knowledge gained through Hepburn Romaji subtitles and Thunder Ryu's occasional ranting phone calls were a bit rusty, but…

 _"Konnichiwa! Ore wa sumisu Toravisu Tacchidaun desu! Amerika kara desu! Koko wa doko?"_

Thankfully, the door opened, and out came a girl. Not much older than eighteen years of age, if Travis had to guess. She had long dark brown hair and what seemed to be red eyes. She was wearing a red skirt and a white collared sleeveless red top tied together with a yellow ribbon, and detached white sleeves on her arms. She looked rather young.

"An American?" the shrine maiden said in perfect, though accented English. "Oh, I get it. You're from the Outside World, right?"

"Yeah… I think."

The maiden stepped out into the sunlight, looking at him for a moment. "Let me guess… have you met someone named Yukari Yakumo?"

Travis paused for a moment, and then suddenly realized. "Shit! That bitch got away! And right when we were about to finish our fight!"

The maiden blinked. "So you have already engaged in Danmaku?"

"If that's what you call it here. I was sleeping in my room when that hag broke into my room and dragged my ass outside! She then started shooting lasers at me, and I started swinging back." Travis moaned, pulling the Tsubaki Mk. III off of his belt and activating it, which seemed to startle the maiden for a second, but she quickly shook it off and spoke back as he shut it off.

"Travis Touchdown, right? I'm Reimu Hakurei, maiden of the Hakurei shrine." She bowed slightly. "Welcome to Gensokyo."

Travis removed his aviators and blinked. He felt naked without them for a brief moment, but then he shook his head and put them back on.

"Holy fucking shit. I haven't been this riled up over something since Sylvia showed me her yoga skills… only this time, I feel like complete shit."

"Well, I'm sure I can convince Yukari to let you go back home, if you'd like." She offered, but Travis held up his hand.

"Domo arigato, Reimu-san, but I must decline your offer. She mentioned before that half-assed boss fight in the prologue that she wanted to test my skills. That couldn't have just been some shitty throwaway line. I'm here for an obviously important reason."

"So we're resorting to cheap fourth wall cracking just to make the story seem like it's some humorous and witty take on our characters?"

"Hey, if Tsuki-Sennin wants to be an American Suda51, he needs to get all the practice he can get. If he's gonna shamelessly rip somebody off like that, he might as well rip off the best. But anyway, I'm gonna go find that Yukari Yakumo and figure out why she dragged me here so I can finally-" Travis began, walking down the road, only to suddenly stop. "Oh fuck me! Jeane doesn't have food! Shit, and Henry's gonna realize that I'm gone!"

He could handle a lot of things, but the idea of his brother saying "I warned ya, didn't I?" without any semblance of irony seemed to annoy him more than anything else in the world at the moment.

"Don't worry." Reimu said. "So, have you been down to the village yet?"

That caught Travis's attention. "I haven't. Where's that?"

"Just follow the path away from the Shrine, and you'll find it." She said, tracing the path. "You'll be fine down there. There're a lot of places down there where you can stay if you can."

Travis nodded, and turned down the path, muttering "Thanks" as he did so. The Shrine seemed to have been built on relatively flat land. The grounds were fairly spacious and grassy, and at the end he came across a Shrine, much newer than the one he had just come from. How should I put this… well, if Travis thought the Hakurei Shrine was a Citroën DS in a museum, then this shrine was a Hot Wheels Chrysler 300 toy? Yeah, that works. Not only did it look newer and more structurally sound, but it also seemed to be much more intriguing to the residents.

There was already someone here. A girl with green hair, a frog hair clip and what seemed to be a blue maiden's uniform seemed to be praying at it deeply. Travis could feel… something… coming from the shrine, but he elected to leave her alone. Better to avoid making such a bad impression on his first day and anger whatever god she was praying to.

He knew he'll be seeing her around some other time, though.

* * *

Travis Touchdown strolled into town and saw how dated everything looked. This Human Village was definitely tight-knit: Travis made note of the amount of shops and traders there. A florist, a bookshop, restaurants, a marketplace… An ordinary resident of this place wouldn't have to go very far outside of the village for anything unless they wanted to visit the Hakurei Shrine (though he couldn't see many of these people willing to leave this place to visit it anyway). It almost reminded him of home, only these people actually seemed content with their lives.

So what kind of fucked up shit happens in this place on a regular basis? What kind of assassins live here? Travis thought to himself. Are these places of sparse human life normal for Gensokyo? Is this place even average in of itself?

Travis approached what looked to be a tavern. Maybe he can rent out a room, just gotta check to see if he's got the right cash and-

Oh. As it turns out, his wallet was completely empty, save for his license for the Schpeltiger II, a picture of Jeane looking up at the camera, and a photo of Sylvia wearing nothing but… know what, you can use your imagination on that.

"Shit… guess I need to work." He muttered. And thus began Travis's search for a job.

* * *

As it turns out, finding a job was a bit harder than one would think in the Human Village, especially if you looked and dressed like a foreigner compared to the kimonos and geta these people wore. The people's responses were mixed with varying degrees of curiosity, distrust, and "What the hell are you wearing?" The most he'd get for work were some lazy fuckers paying him in peanut shells worth of money or a shot of sake for moving heavy objects or scaring off kids, but not before saying that he could come back and do it again if he'd like. Thankfully, an old woman pointed him in the direction of a Job Request Board, which offered much better work.

 _Help Wanted! 20000 LB$ Flat Pay! 5000 LB$ Bonus for every package delivered completely intact!_

 _If you want to gamble your life on mad cash, then this is the job for you!_

 _Zip through the dangerous Forest of Magic to deliver the packages at their destinations!_

 _Battle Youkai and deadly carnivorous plants and carve a path of glory through the darkest thickets!_

 _Your average deliveryman is braver than any superhero, and this job will prove why!_

 _For more information, please visit the Human Village Postal Service!_

Now this board was speaking his language! Deadly part time jobs are Travis's forte. It's how he usually makes steady income outside of his assassination gigs.

Super-speed pizza delivery, pest control, coconut gathering, sanitation, gas station work, mine sweeping, plumbing, tiling, catching those goddamn _motherfucking_ **_bastard_ _sons-of-multiple-whores_** **_SCORPIONS_** … Travis did it all. If anything, he's the most experienced man in the village right now.

 _Side Job – It's Whore Time!_ The weird voice said again. _Go to the Post Office and talk to the Postmaster!_

Travis rolled his eyes, but made his way there. Turns out it was situated near the entrance of town. Just at the gate, where he could properly see a thick and spooky-looking forest on the other side of town. He walked inside, and sure enough, it looked rather wooden and primitive. He looked at the man sitting at the desk. He was wearing a uniform that looked like something belonging to UPS or FedEx. It was a light-blue windbreaker with a silver zipper and black pants, and on his blonde head he wore a cap that bore the letters "HVPS". He looked pretty young, but he carried himself with a sense of authority. Like he was the guy who can get shit done, and Travis felt it.

"Ah, hello there, sir! Are you here to send something out or pick something up?" The man asked, looking at him with a pensive expression.

"Neither. I'm here to talk to you about the job." Travis stated, and upon this the man blinked, before suddenly grinning widely.

"Whoa, really?!" He asked, looking like a kid in a candy store, before laughing with relief. "Wow! I can't believe it! Somebody's gonna take Forest of Magic Route! That's a cruel joke, but I can't deny that it's funny!"

"So, when can I start?" Travis asked.

The Postmaster then sighed and said "You can't be serious. You. Want to take this job?"

"That's the plan. I need to have the money." Travis replied, stretching his arms out. "All I need is the uniform, some directions, what I need to deliver, and… dude, what the hell? Are you alright?"

The Postmaster looked away, grimacing so hard that it almost made him look ancient. "Shit… you really are gonna do this. Look, it's not that I believe that you can't do it. If anything, you look like somebody who does a lot of crazy shit on a regular basis like that celebrity… what's his name… Johnny Nashville? Anyway, you look tough but… we're talking about Youkai. Literal fuckin' demons! Demons that'll crush your bones and eat your soul and fuck you like one of my old seniors fucked his boss's wife! What if you get lost and never come back out? What if you get lethally ill from the air? What if you take a wrong turn and somehow run into…" the man paused before he shuddered and lost all color in his face. _"Yuuka Kazami?"_

That caught Travis's attention. "Yuuka Kazami?"

"Don't. Don't even think about it." He immediately responded with such gravity that Travis's wild fantasies of fighting someone as strong as Yukari so soon were somehow stopped cold in their tracks. "You can't defeat Yuuka. None of us can. If you see a woman with green hair and red eyes, be absolutely certain that you don't talk to her, don't look at her the wrong way, and be damn sure you don't harm a single flower under any circumstances. Ever."

Silence lay thick between the two men, before the Postmaster took a deep breath.

"Now that you're aware of all those risks, are you damn certain that you want to go out there and make those deliveries?"

Travis rolled his eyes before repeating "Yeah. I need this cash."

The delivery man stood up straight, and in his eyes Travis could see a twinkle of pride.

"Maybe you are the guy I've been looking for. That maiden from the Hakurei Shrine sometimes delivers the packages to the edge of the forest, where the antique shop Kourindou is. If you ask the owner, Kourin-san, he might be willing to lend you a bike and directions to the people who live in the forest. We've got six packages to deliver today."

Travis nodded. "Alright, I'm ready."

The Postmaster grinned and handed Travis the packages, the uniform.

"Good luck." He said as Travis emerged from the Staff Changing Room, feeling fresh in his uniform.

* * *

Kourindou was a small place, run by only one man. "Kourin-san", who introduced himself as Rinnosuke Morichika, was a young-looking man with golden eyes, short silver hair, and blue and black clothing. He was carrying a small red bag on him, which he used to accept his package, which appeared to be a copy of a book on treasure. The bicycle he had given Travis was clearly on its last legs. It was rusted, appeared to be broken a few times, dead, and the wheels were wonky. Because of the forest, no doubt.

"I haven't seen you before, Mr. Touchdown." He said simply. "Are you perhaps a new hire?"

"Yeah." Travis replied, holding out a clipboard. "Just came into town today. I won't stay for a long time, but I do need cash if I'm gonna get anywhere."

Rinnosuke nodded, signing for his package.

"Well, if you're looking to deliver to Marisa Kirisame and Alice Margatroid, you'll find them in the Forest, where they live relatively close to each other. Don't expect it to be safe to go looking for them, however. You've heard about the dangers in the Forest, correct?"

"Yeah, yeah… I've heard. Don't worry, I know how to fight." Travis waved his hand around, before moving his head around to look inside. It looked like fairly old junk from where he came from. He even saw a CRT TV. "You've got a lot of stuff back there. Is the antique business not very lucrative?"

"Not really, no." he replied, as he began reading the book. "Still, it's nice to be surrounded by wonders of the Outside World. You can keep the bike for yourself if you'd like. I plan on getting a new one anyway. Be careful in there."

Travis turned around. He wheeled the bike around the corner and hopped on it. He stared down the forest, and it stared back.

"It's game time!"

* * *

 ** _TOUHOU – DEATH-DEFYING DAREDEVIL DELIVERY SERVICE!_**

 ** _-Press Start to Begin!-_**

 ** _Select Difficulty_**

 ** _\- Easy: (An easy route through the Forest of Magic, perfect for those starting out! People say these modes are for kids, but those elitists bastards were kids too! Take it easy, why don't ya?)_**

 ** _Medium: (LOCKED)_**

 ** _Hard: (LOCKED)_**

 ** _Lunatic: (LOCKED)_**

 _How-to-Play: Hope your riding skills are up to snuff, because you're gonna eat shit otherwise! Weave in and out of the bramble and spores. Use your beam katanas to cut down the hungry plants and the Bakebake! Don't take too long to deliver the packages! The air around here'll get ya if you're not used to it. Get knocked off or fall down, and a package will get busted. Bust them all, and you're not eating tonight, you spaz. Deliver them all safely, and you'll get a surprise! Go get 'em, tiger!_

Travis pedaled with great haste as he studied the forest around him. He felt woozy just being around it. He could probably bear it for about… 5 minutes before he started really getting sick. He rode around, occasionally dodging roots and branches and using the Blood Berry to cut apart the monstrous plants or knock away the many Bakebake (derpy looking ghosts that looked like they were trying to be Boos made from colorful construction paper, which caused Travis to start calling them Mr. Ghostlies) that tried to steal the bag. It was dull, but at least he got a bit of extra cash for doing it.

One of these Ghostlies in particular tried to knock the bike over by sweeping in on under it, only for Travis to bunny hop over it (which sounds dumb but hey it worked) and crush it with the back wheel of the bike, which squeezed the poor spirit like a stress ball, and left it looking crumpled afterwards. It let out a pitiful squeak, before immediately popping back into shape, feeling rightfully miffed that its plan to steal people's mail had come up as a failure. Its new goal? Kill the Postman. And that thought spread among that shared connection the Bakebake have. Kill the Postman. Kill the Postman! KILL THE POSTMAN! _KILL THE POSTMAN!_

Travis turned around after narrowly ducking under a thorny vine and was slightly taken aback to see a literal army of the white/colored bastards. It's good that white folk and colored folk are uniting together as friends and comrades working towards a common goal as many great leaders of the past wished, but Travis didn't care about their unity right now. "Come Hell or High Water, the mail must go through!" That was an unofficial motto of the United States Postal Service, and it's only at this exact moment that Travis learn what that phrase meant, as he kicked the bike into second gear.

"Come on!" Travis shouted. "I'll deliver you to Hell where you bastards belong!"

* * *

Somewhere, very far away, a girl with red hair and eyes sneezed for seemingly no reason while speaking about one of her more… "Out there" subjects.

"Hecatia, are you alright?" a woman with long orange hair asked in concern.

"Mm… yeah, I'm fine." The girl said, grinning again. "Anyway, this guy, Skelter Helter… he has a brother here..."

* * *

The Bakebake darted past Travis, organizing themselves into walls, X formations, V formations… there were so many of them... they even seemed to be carrying those spores that he heard about. Travis wish he had a reliable ranged weapon, but since he's got no other choice… He slowed down a bit, and deactivated Blood Berry. He was surely going to regret this, but… he drew a katana with a red beam. It was a bit short, but that's not the gimmick of this one. He pointed the Peony behind him and poked a Ghostly. It left a distinct burn mark on the spirit's form, which then left it open to attack with a brutal finishing slash, and he watched the spirit fall down onto the ground, dead.

In the back of his mind, he saw a slot machine spinning. His fingers were crossed…

Bell… Bell… BAR!

Damn, so close! Travis would've appreciated Dark Side Mode at the moment, but to be fair, he would get plenty more chances to activate it. His Ecstasy Gauge was rising rapidly, as he cut down the Ghostlies, and it'd be a waste if he got Dark Side Mode now and wasted it after leaving it be for so long. Once the Peony was at full length, he felt his inner tiger roaring. He held the brought the Peony back in front of him, ready to ram through the Ghostlies and add to the pile of defeated spirits. He kicked a rock at a Ghostly and through its wall with a mighty swing of the Peony. A certain familiar feeling welled up inside his soul.

Cherry… Cherry… Cherry!

"Yeah! Time to cause some chaos!" Travis shouted as he felt energy well up inside him as his hair turned a bright yellow, Super Saiyan-style. And with this rush of energy in his heart, he called out the name of his power.

Dark Side Mode "Bizarre Jelly – Strawberry on the Shortcake!"

 _You've engaged Dark Side Mode! And lucky for you, the special technique Strawberry on the Shortcake! By channeling the will of Ichigo Beniyama, AKA Red Counterattack Strawberry, your speed and strength kick into overdrive and time slows to a crawl around you! But be careful, it can be hard to control yourself with speed like this, and your Ecstasy will drop to zero when it's over!_

Travis was feeling the power spread throughout his body. He hopped off the bike, which began to fall to the ground in slow motion until he effortlessly lifted it off the ground. He began to run through the forest, swinging the Peony with one hand and carrying the bike on his shoulder with the other, which had the unintentional side effect of making him look like some kind of doofus. Fortunately, he didn't quite lose his senses to the spores just yet. Only 2 minutes left, he estimated, but that should be plenty of time to get to this Marisa Kirisame's house, especially with the speed he gained from Strawberry on the Shortcake.

Travis brought his blade down on the Ghostlies, who had rather delayed reactions to their bodies being torn apart by the heat and precision of the beam. He ran further and further down the forested path, gleefully slicing and dicing through the hordes of Ghostlies, even as he felt himself winding down. Subsequently, he felt time returning to its original speed, and he was eventually forced to put the bike down and shut the Peony off.

He looked back and saw the "bodies" of the spirits that littered the forest floor as he set the bike back up. He rode down the remaining bit of the path for a solid minute and finally came across a clearing. For the first time in this fucking forest, he could finally taste fresh air and not have it be ruined by spores and the like. He saw a rather nice looking, albeit simple house. The residence had one floor, but he believed it had an attic. It had a bit of vegetation growing on it, and Travis could pick up a rather strong smell mushrooms but thankfully it wasn't anything as sickening as the Forest he just exited out of. He followed its gravelly walk way to the wooden front door, he knocked.

He heard someone approaching, albeit with a bit of crashing and one explosion. Travis's eyes widened, but then the door opened.

"Hey, you the delivery guy?" the girl asked. "Just give me the ones that say Kirisame."

Marisa Kirisame seemed to be wearing a black witch's dress combined with a maid uniform. Over the dress, she wore a white apron. She had yellow eyes and blonde hair, and looked to be about Reimu's age, give or take a small amount of time.

Travis opened the bag, and both of Marisa's packages were taken out. "Here you go… sign right here."

"Wow! You rode all the way here on Rinnosuke's bike?" she said, noticing the rusted two-wheeled transport he rode through the forest.

"Yeah…" Travis replied. "Poor thing's barely still alive after my war with the Bakebake population."

Upon saying this, the rust and wear-ridden bike collapsed, sending the front wheel rolling around in a circle and a few screws flying, while the duct-tape holding the body together let out a loud ripping sound.

Travis sighed. "Whatever. He was gonna get rid of that thing anyway. You don't mind if I leave this here while I deliver this to… Alice Margatroid, do you?"

Marisa shook her head and grinned. "Nah. Not at all. I'll take it off your hands, as well as give you a ride to Alice's. I know where she lives, and I was planning to ask her something anyway."

Marisa went back inside and Travis heard that familiar crashing, but this time he heard honking, the sound of her cursing up a storm, glass breaking, and not one, but two explosions. Before long though, she emerged with what looked to be a broom made out of bamboo. She hopped on it, hovered in the air slightly beside him, and said "Grab on to the tail. I can take you there instantly. You could walk there on foot, but you're clearly not used to the Forest's haze yet."

Travis, eager not to get back in that musty hellhole of trees and ghosts he attempted to slaughter indiscriminately, grabbed on, and immediately felt himself being forcefully yanked off the ground.

"AHH!" he let out as Marisa Kirisame darted off into the sky.

* * *

Henry Cooldown stepped out of Airport 51 and into Santa Destroy, and he couldn't wait to get back home. But first, he had to make sure his brother wasn't kidnapped. It's what good brothers do, right?

He had taken a ride to the closest bus stop to Motel "NO MORE HEROES". God, his brother still lived in this dump? Even after all that money he made? What a waste.

Henry Cooldown was a man about 30 or so years of age, just like his twin brother. He too worked as an assassin, and he too wielded a beam katana. Though honestly that's where the similarities between the two really ended. He was a man with blackened hair and blue eyes, like his brother (though his used to be more of an auburn color), but in his honest and humble opinion, he was the handsome one. While his brother preferred to dress up like a reject member of the Clash who became addicted to the Japanese as protest, Henry opted for a more stylish and matching attire, using grey and white clothing and a black tie and gloves to provide contrast. He opened up the door using a rather simple method of lock-picking, and entered to see that his room was a mess. Too much of a mess in fact. He walked in, as his cat… Jeane, he thought her name was… looked at him in confusion. _Never fully recovered from her, did you, little brother?_

He nearly kicked over a trash can as he came to inspect the cat. Oddly enough, she still had a relatively full bowl of cat food, as well as a dish of water. He gave her a slight stroke behind the ears, and she slowly started to accept her guest.

"Who's been taking care of you while your master's been gone, eh?"

He looked up at the answering machine, and turned it on.

"You have -THREE- new messages." The feminine automated voice stated, and Henry listened to them both.

"Hey, Travis the Great! Do you remember me? Yeah, it's me. Kimmy Howell, your number one fan! Before you freak out about me getting your number, you should know that I got it from that UAA lady. Uh… Sylvia, I think her name was? The one with the French accent? She didn't mind giving it out to me. She seemed to recognize me, I think, from our totally awesome fight at my school!"

Henry grimaced. Travis seemed to have found himself a friend. She had a young, English-accented voice, like she was still in college. Hopefully she doesn't get too obsessed with him. Otherwise he'll be having some very stern words with Sylvia when he finds her later.

"Um… I was thinking that maybe you'd like to hang out sometime this summer? I don't think it's really a date, but I'll pay for dinner if you'd like me to! Um… oh my God, the time! Uh, I've got to go! I need to get to class soon! Bye, Travis the Great!"

She made a kissing sound before she hung up. It wasn't like a simple peck on the cheek or an exaggerating smooching sound. It almost sounded like she was trying to eat her phone. Needless to say, this disturbed Henry to no end as he stood there for a moment in both disgust and disbelief. He sat there for a whole ten seconds with Jeane, who seemed to be feeling the same feelings her owner's brother did, before Henry ended their suffering by stopping the message. He nearly tasted vomit in his mouth as he gagged, but thankfully the next message wasn't nearly as bad. It was from another girl, but thankfully it was somebody he actually knew.

"Hello, Master?" Scarlet "Shinobu" Jacobs said from the other line. "It's me, Shinobu. Listen, about last week, I'm sorry for coming onto you like that. I thought that we were in a moment, but it's clear that I overstepped my boundaries, especially with the whole nine year age gap thing. I just wanted to call you and see if you're doing alright. You seemed pretty stressed out. If you need my help, just call and ask. I'll call you again. Good night."

…well, at least Travis has some standards about younger women. Nine years younger, good God… what do these girls see in him?

The final message played and then he heard the voice of Sylvia Christel… his ex-wife. "Hello? Travis? You haven't called in a week. Are you alright? Oh dear, you ran off on me, didn't you? Well, I hope you're doing well, wherever you are. But if you've been fooling around with some other bitch, I will personally kill you with your own beam katana! I will be coming around tomorrow at 2:05 to make sure that you're still alive. If you've been kidnapped or something, I will organize a search party to come and find you. But if you're planning to kill an assassin behind my back… make sure that you use the restroom, brush your teeth, and make sure that you're ready. Trust your force, and head for the Garden of Madness… ah, I seem to have accidentally been reminiscing. You do that to me, you know?"

Henry sighed. Hopefully that was made today. He'd do anything to not have to interact with Sylvia again.

"Oh my, Henry?"

Just his luck… Sylvia Christel had shown up at the door, and was listening in.

* * *

A lot happened this chapter, didn't it? Travis met Reimu and Marisa and had his first major fight in Gensokyo, while Henry is now fully aware that Travis is gone! And Sylvia's here too! An effective second chapter, wouldn't you say? …Nah, I shouldn't brag too much. And considering that the last chapter was a prologue, I think this'd technically be the first chapter. Anyway, while the story's not super great yet, but I'm having a lot of fun writing it so far, and I thank you if you've enjoyed it even a little. Do me a favor and leave me some constructive criticism, won't you?

Be on the look out for the next chapter soon!


	3. VS Alice Margatroid

A/N: Wow, golly! I finished this chapter on time… yeah, right! Jesus, it's been three weeks since I last updated this! And right after I swore to myself that I'd try and put out a new chapter at least once a week! Sorry I took so long, I've been sick for the past couple weeks, and if I wasn't sick, I was working. On top of that, I had a bit of writer's block, especially when it came to the actual fight you'll be reading today. And on top of that, I'm basically human Regigigas. I can't work my magic for a long time.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this sub-par chapter. A better one should be coming soon… I hope… school's gonna be starting back up for me soon, so don't count on it.

So uh, anyway… I suppose I should put up this statement, which is apparently standard procedure on this site. "Tsuki-Sennin does not own Touhou Project or No More Heroes. Touhou Project and all games related to it are the intellectual property of Team Shanghai Alice (and its sole member Jun'ya Ota, otherwise known by his alias ZUN). No More Heroes is the joint intellectual property of Marvelous Entertainment and Grasshopper Manufacture, and was created by Goichi Suda (better known as Suda51)"… oh for fuck's sake, you don't care about this crap, do you? You know that I don't own either series. Hell, YOU don't own it either! Are these other writers so worried about getting sued by their heroes that they have to put in stupid and cutesy disclaimers every fuckin' chapter?

Ugh… whatever. Alright, now that that's out of the way, have this terrible chapter.

(By the way, would any of you mind if I incorporate some OCs of mine into the story? I know we already have a fuck-ton of characters I could use from Gensokyo, but it's mainly so I can give Henry something to do, but I would have Travis fight them as well.)

* * *

 _ **Alice Margatroid – Seven-Colored Puppeteer of Death**_

" **Play with my dolls for a while."**

* * *

After the short lived misery that was the ride on Marisa's broom, Travis fell onto the grass, spitting out spores and pulling thorns and twigs out of his body. He pulled out the packages. They seemed to be intact.

"And here we are!" Marisa announced, jumping down and holding her broom by its handle. "What'd you think?"

Travis plucked one last thorn out of his left temple, which was now starting to bleed slightly. "That was total shit! I almost lost the packages!"

"But you didn't, did ya?" Marisa asked, straightening out her hat and walking down the path.

Alice Margatroid's house was of a relatively modern European style, oddly enough. It had a white exterior, blue roofing, and one of those weird circular towers that almost grew out of the side. (Travis would have to research that when he had the time.)

He approached the darkened wood door, and knocked. The door creaked open quietly, but Travis couldn't see anyone on the other side.

"Oh, I get it… this is some kind of attempt to scare us off, isn't it?" Travis called out, clearly not impressed by the fairly obvious puppet string on the door. "Or perhaps, you're inviting us in? I need to get your signature so I can get my payment."

The two walked in, and they heard a female voice say "I'm in the living room, just down the hall."

Travis made note of the voice, which sounded fairly detached and disinterested. He walked down the sunlit hall, getting the occasional glimpse of a blonde doll. The doll seemed to be leering at him, almost as though it were planning to kill him. Marisa didn't seem to notice, as she passed Travis and took a seat on a sofa, and was eyeing up what appeared to be

"Oh, you're here too, Marisa… hmm… actually, you might be able to help." At the opposite end of the room, sitting at a table with a newspaper and a cup of tea was a fairly tall blonde-haired girl in a light blue dress with long white sleeves and a long pink ribbon going round her neck and another one round her waist. "You're the new delivery boy, Mr. Travis?"

"That's right. You're Alice Margatroid then?" Travis raised an eyebrow slightly.

"Yes." She said, not looking up from the paper. Travis approached her, sat the packages on the table, and noticed that she had golden eyes. Without really paying full attention, she picked up a pen at her side and signed it with a mild flourish. "Now then, I hope you'll forgive me, but I have a request for the both of you."

"Oh yeah? What do you need from me?" Travis leaning against the wall. "From what I understand, you have a neighbor who can help you out more than I can. I'm just some normal guy."

Alice Margatroid's eyes narrowed, but then she shook her head. "But from what I understand, you rode that Kourin fellow's decrepit bicycle through the Forest of Magic without fear."

She paused, turning her head up from her paper, and looking at him in a mix of curiosity and suspicion. "Tell me, Travis. Are you, by chance, not from around here?"

Travis said nothing, instead choosing to stare at the back of his gloved hand and stretch it out. Though Travis couldn't express it obviously, he felt a sense of dread, similarly to the night before he fought Yukari and when he heard the Postmaster's dread of Yuuka Kazami. He obviously wouldn't get anywhere by lying, so he decided to play it safe for now and answer Alice honestly.

"No. I'm not from around here." He said, coming off of the wall. "I'll be living in Gensokyo for a little bit until I find a way back to my world."

Alice's intense stare lightened, which made Travis breathe relief. But clearly Marisa noticed something odd, as her jovial attitude seemed to fade.

"Ah… I see. Well then, Travis." She said, opening the packages, revealing lots of colored fabric, bits of colored plastic, and, what looked like the main electrical body for a beam katana. "Do you know what Danmaku is?"

Travis, though alarmed by the presence of something so familiar in such a foreign land, decided to say "Yes, Miss Alice."

She stood up, almost looking surprised. "Good. Then you should know that no one ever dies from Danmaku. At least, they shouldn't. You see, the most the bullets here can do little more than ruin clothes or make someone tired. But as of late, our battles have grown more… let's say… draining."

"Draining?" Travis asked, now paying attention. Still, Marisa was silent.

Alice instead said nothing, instead picking up the materials. "Tell me, Travis. When you were a kid, did you play with dolls?"

Travis said nothing.

"Hmm… well, I suppose that isn't something that boys normally do." Alice mused. "My skills lie in the creation and handling of dolls. I believe you've seen one of my finer creations while you were in the front hall."

Travis was now on his guard. He had put his hands on the red-guarded and white-handled Rose Nasty set. _Bishop, I hope your gifts can help me. I desperately need your spirit to guide my hands. Don't fail me now._

"When you beat my dolls, please come see me in my workshop, where our challenge will truly begin." She said, instantly darting out of the living room.

"Hey!" Travis tried to call out. "Shit, she's gone!"

Marisa jumped out of the couch. "Travis, there's something not right about Alice."

"Yeah, no shit! On top of all of that cryptic bullshit, she just challenged me to a fight!"

"That's normal in Gensokyo!" Marisa yelled back. "I meant that she's acting different from how she usually does!"

Travis would've shouted back, but he looked down at the floor and saw a doll taking a knife to his ankle, so all he could do was grunt in pain. He kicked the black-dressed, blonde-haired, red-ribbon wearing girl into the wall, and watched its body fall apart on impact.

Marisa had pulled out an octagonal block of wood with what looked like characters written on each side on the top, and what looked like metal components in the interior. She held it up, and a blast of energy emerged and bust apart another one of the dolls.

"Use those weapons of yours, Travis!" she called out. "We're in deep shit right now!"

Travis activated the Rose Nasty and two red beams of energy emitted from both, with one a bit shorter than the other.

"Try and keep up!" Travis called out as he swung the longer blade at a doll that jumped down from a support beam with a noose tied around its neck. The poor thing was knocked around, and it got tangled up with another doll as Marisa shot several bullets in rapid succession at them.

The doll with the knife seemed to have an army of identical sisters. He narrowed his eyes and gripped his weaponry. He swung and swung, and watched as scraps of cloth and ropes and metal and whatnot fell to the floor.

* * *

Reimu Hakurei returned to the Shrine after spending the afternoon shopping down in the village. She had enough food to last her through the next week, should she preserve it properly. She had put them in the warehouse, and locked the door.

She was about to go inside, maybe read a book or have herself a cup of tea,

At least, she would've if it hadn't been for the Human Village's Postmaster running over and shouting. "Hakurei-san! Hakurei-san! Please, help me!"

She looked over to him blankly. It wasn't often that the Postmaster came to her for help. Usually she gets notes asking her to make simple deliveries to Marisa's house or a request to remove a Youkai from his premises.

"What is it?" she asked. "You looked panicked."

He took a deep breath and said "I finally found a brave deliveryman who was willing to take the Forest of Magic Route but…"

He shifted around for a second, before swallowing and saying "He hasn't come back yet! I'm worried he might be in serious trouble."

She sighed. "Is his name Travis?"

"Yeah but- wait… how did you know?" he asked, looking surprised.

"I met him this morning. He went down to the village, and I haven't seen him since." She replied flatly, taking out her purification rod and the Hakurei Shrine's Yin-Yang Orb.

"Please, go look for him! He went to Kourindou to and… and was supposed to go to those girls who actually live in there!"

Reimu had no doubt in her mind that the visitor from the Outside World had tangled himself up in a fight with a dangerous magician. Was it Marisa or Alice? Or perhaps he had chosen to anger them both?

She thought more and more about this as she took to the skies towards the Forest of Magic, praying that the outsider hasn't screwed something up as the wind swept through her hair.

* * *

(Best listened to alongside your favorite remix of "The Doll-Maker of Bucharest" from Perfect Cherry Blossom!)

Travis and his new magician friend have been battling these hanging Hourai Dolls (as Marisa said they were called) and their similarly dressed knife wielding Shanghai Dolls for about 5 or so minutes. The things fell apart with each swing, but their numbers were growing and growing. Travis was almost sure that he was getting in way over his head. While Marisa, and her "Mini-Hakkero" as she called it, had shot down the waves of Hourai Dolls and Shanghai Dolls, Travis had been kicking around little European fairytale dolls that Marisa had called "Benevolent French Dolls", "Red-Haired Dutch Dolls", and "Foggy London Dolls" (Travis hadn't seen much difference in them, if he was being completely honest. The only dolls he had full knowledge of were Barbie and anime merchandise.)

One of the dolls was so bold as to kick around the falling parts of each of its fallen sisters as it tried to jump up knife Travis in the throat, but fortunately a head-butt caused it to fall apart rather easily.

Eventually, the duo came across Alice in what Travis assumed to be her workshop, looking fairly upset at the slaughter of her life's work. All around her were parts and wood on a workbench, cloths and thread at a sewing machine,

"How cruel. I see you have little regard for the property of others, Travis." She replied, sounding less angry and more disappointed.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry. I was only trying to defend myself against your army of little princess golems. Especially since you won't let me fuckin' leave."

"You are forgiven. However, that does not mean that you can go unpunished." Alice stated, as she jumped back. Travis saw that a particularly large Shanghai Doll, about the size of a full grown human, had chosen to rear her artificially designed head. "This is part of my Titania series. They're not yet perfected, but they're still quite powerful. I'd say that now is the ideal moment to test her abilities, wouldn't you agree?"

Travis raised the longer Rose Nasty blade, and pointed it at the Doll in determination.

"Y'know, you seem to be a smart girl, Alice. It makes sense to me that you would be aware of all the shit you've been doing has done nothing but piss me off!" he swung at one of the bright blue bullets that the Titania Doll had fired at him. It drained the katana's battery, but the resulting deflection was well worth it, as it knocked the Doll into the wall and onto the ground, with rubble from the ceiling falling down on its head. Travis approached the downed Doll and performed a cross slash on its fallen body. He watched it fall apart, and grinned. He hadn't gotten Dark Side Mode to activate, but the rush he was feeling filled up his Ecstasy Gauge a fair bit.

"Guess your Titania wasn't as strong as you thought, huh?" Travis boasted as he cut off the glassy eyed Doll's human-sized head and kicked it at Alice like a soccer ball.

Alice, quite effortlessly it should be noted, caught the head with her bare hands, and looked at her guests with a patronizing grin. She shook her head, and chuckled. "Oh, I expected it to be weak. But that means I have a proper excuse to make more than one."

Travis heard the sounds of doors slamming and windows opening all over the house. Alice had exited out the window and seemed to be scaling the outer walls of the house with assistance from her creations.

Marisa had taken to firing more bullets at the hordes of Titania Dolls and their smaller companions. She removed her hat and flipped her hair around, seemingly getting woodchips out of it. Travis grabbed a Titania from behind and performed a Full Nelson on her. He Dragon Suplexed her into the floor behind him, and heard the satisfying sound of wood cracking and one of the Rose Nasty's blades burning through its body as they prepared to enter the next room, which seemed to be the house's tower. The duo had spot yet another horde of Titania Dolls. Marisa sighed as she fired a barrage of bullets from her Mini-Hakkero, gunning down their enemies.

Another Titania Doll that had snuck up behind Travis had been on the receiving end of a slash that cut her body in half… come on, big money… _BAR!-BAR!-BAR!_

Perfect. Travis straightened out his back, and yelled out his power.

 **Dark Side Mode – "Bizarre Jelly – Cranberry Chocolate Sundae!"**

Instantly, the world around him fell into a grayscale as the gang of Titania Dolls stood there in fear of their target's big change.

 _You've engaged Dark Side Mode! And who would've thought that the super-deadly special you've engaged is Cranberry Chocolate Sundae! Through the will of Ichiko Kigawa, AKA Yellow Gale Cranberry, you may move slow, but your enemies are so cowed by your destructive and cruel presence they just stand there and wait to die by your blade! Just follow the commands, and they'll be chopped into fine pieces! Watch out though, once time's up, your Ecstasy will flatline!_

Travis didn't care. It's time to have some fun for a change! He walked slowly to the first Titania Doll. In its emotionlessly cheery face, Travis could see fear properly. He shoved the longer blade into its heart and shoved it downward, bisecting it. His mind seemed to added the screaming and the tearing of flesh and the spurts of blood and guts he's been missing since he arrived in Gensokyo. Now stained with imaginary blood (though satisfying blood nonetheless), Travis moved on to his second target, who he gave a free C-section… though disembowelment would be the more proper term, as there was no baby. Titania #3 had her head torn off by her assailant, like that Sub-Zero guy. Travis quickly and decisively cut _Número Quatro_ into bloody ribbons, and the fifth one was killed by accidentally being it the beam katanas' path. Travis continued making gory kills like this all the way until the eleventh Titania Doll, which was when Cranberry Chocolate Sundae had stopped. And true to the description, Travis's inner tiger had fallen asleep, having satiated itself on meat. Shame its latest killing spree was so short. Travis would've gladly had it devour all 99 problems still remaining, all of which had strong connections to a bitch named Alice Margatroid. Why reference Jay-Z of all things in the middle of a Touhou/No More Heroes crossover? Because Chris Brown is an utter bastard and Lil' Wayne sucks, that's why.

Marisa jumped in front of Travis and let out a great mighty shout of

" **Love Sign – "Master Spark"**!

Before Travis could process what a "Master Spark" was, his train of thought was interrupted by a GINORMOUSLY FUCKING HUGE LASER BEAM THAT RENDED THROUGH THE DOLLS LIKE A BLAST OF WHITE HOT DEATH THAT WOULD'VE BLINDED TRAVIS IF HE HADN'T HAD HIS SUNGLASSES ON AND SHIELDED HIS EYES!

Though oddly enough, the structural integrity of the house itself doesn't seem to have been compromised. In fact, most of the body had been

"Hey, Travis… a few weeks ago, Alice told me about this… project… she was working on."

Marisa pulled out her broom, and polished it with a handkerchief.

"Oh yeah, what would that be?" he asked as they walked up the stairs leading to the top floor of the tower. The Dolls hanging out here were merely observing them, but it felt like that Alice herself was watching them from afar… from the rooftop, if one were to be so obvious.

"She talked about an incident a while back where she tested a kind of "Super Doll" on someone. It was bigger than any Doll she had made at that point. I don't know what kind of Doll it is, but she'll definitely try to use it on us." Marisa said.

"A "Super Doll"?" Travis scratched his hand in faux contemplation, eagerly fantasizing about the perfect introductory boss fight.

"Yeah. She told me that she was hiding it in her backyard. Don't know how powerful it is, but

But first, Travis decided to take advantage of Alice's hospitality by having himself some time to "save his game" in her bathroom, much to Marisa's apparent confusion.

* * *

Travis and Marisa had exited out of the top of the roof, where the warm afternoon sun had beamed down on them, like a smile from Heaven. No sign of Alice so far.

"I hope she's okay…" Marisa quietly muttered.

"So, you think your friend's been brainwashed?" Travis asked as he tightened the leather fingerless glove on his right hand (he has that, I just remembered, sorry to break up the tension like that.).

"Well, I'm not sure if that's true or not…" Marisa continued. "But something is definitely causing her to act this way."

Marisa looked away. Travis couldn't help but notice her blank expression.

"Even so, she tried to kill us both. We can't exactly let her get away unpunished."

"I know that! But… somehow, I keep thinking maybe that… we could help her."

"Doesn't this place have magic?" Travis grunted as he charged the Rose Nasty's batteries.

"Of course it does!" she said, looking offended. "…but whatever's caused Alice to change like this, it's like nothing I've ever seen."

Travis didn't reply. Magic wasn't exactly his forte, so he trusted Marisa's judgement. There was also the fact that he was distracted by a great grumbly-rumbly sound, but that was out of his control.

Travis looked out into the grassy backyard and saw a Shanghai Doll, bigger and grander than the Titania Dolls, or hell, even Alice's house.

"Holy shit!" Marisa blurted out as the Doll sat up like it was Frankenstein's Monster after being brought to life.

Standing on the Doll's shoulder was none other than Alice, who had gained a steely glare in her eyes.

"Behold, my masterpiece!" she called out. "The Goliath Doll!"

The Goliath Doll, once it had fully stood up, dwarfed the roof of the house.

"…is that supposed to impress me?" Travis shouted.

"That was the intention, but it's clear that you're at a bit of an advantage."

The Goliath Doll, was grasping what looked to be a giant metal pipe in her right hand. The pipe let out a great white beam of energy.

"This is the latest and finest of Kappa weaponry: the Ice Cucumber Mk. I."

Travis sighed… the Glastonbury and its own beam katana would come in handy right now, but it was clear that Travis couldn't get it now due to the fact that it hasn't been written into the plot yet. Its London Missile and Strawberry Shortcake would've made short work of this thing if it were though.

Guess he had to do it the old fashion way.

* * *

(Pick an epic remix for "Doll Judgment ~ The Girl who Played with People's Shapes" from Perfect Cherry Blossom! It might make this more bearable!)

Marisa hopped onto her broom and ran off the front side of the roof. She jumped and began her flight, leaving Travis to hop down to the backyard and face the Goliath directly.

Alice's army of Dolls hadn't given up yet, as Marisa found out. Marisa pointed the handle of her broom to the sky and rocketed up away from the Dutch and French Dolls' Danmaku, only to be intercepted by the London Dolls and the Chalk-White Russian Dolls' bullets, to which she countered with a stream of her own bullets. She saw that Alice had begun her first proper Spell Card of the fight (she suspected that she had used most of her other ones to summon the Dolls in advance to deal with Travis for whatever reason). This is gonna bite! Marisa thought to herself as Alice finally rocketed out her blasts of energy.

Puppeteer Sign "Maiden's Bunraku"

Blue bullets trailed along straight red lasers and fell alongside that "red snow" she was so proud of. Marisa weaved in and out of the deadly lightshow, approaching the Doll Maker at top speed and firing back against the army of Dolls, each doll shattering upon impact.

Meanwhile, Travis had dodged the falling parts and the Goliath's footsteps, and blocked her blade with the Rose Nasty. It drained the batteries, but thankfully he had enough of their life to charge 'em back up easily with a few shakes and a smack to the handles.

Travis dashed around behind the Goliath and under her dress as he began slashing and stabbing its ankles. He kicked her in the back of its knee, which made pain vibrate all throughout his body. More and more Titania Dolls were approaching as Marisa blew apart their sisters-in-arms and rained the backyard with burnt cloth/wood/plastic/whatever her dolls were made of. Travis managed to escape from getting stepped on as he Suplexed and sliced down the dolls to get them out of his way. Travis never seemed to activate Dark Side Mode in the middle of a boss fight, but he didn't think he needed it anyway. His Ecstasy Gauge rose and rose as he tore apart the Dolls, each combo he pulled off getting more and more ridiculous as he incorporated flips, backhanded maneuvers, and increasingly frequent pile-drivers. At the Gauge's peak, Travis felt ready to properly give the Doll and the girl on its shoulder the thrashing that they needed.

Travis dodged the falling bullets, with each bullet grazing his skin. The laser itself knocked Travis onto the ground and hit him with a burning sensation all over his body. He couldn't move for a solid 5 seconds, which gave the Goliath Doll ample time to grind him into the ground with her shoe. Travis got up and felt incredibly dazed and tired. He ran off to the side as Marisa descended, now concentrating her stream of bullets on the Goliath itself. Alice however, jumped off of the Doll's shoulder and onto the roof. She produced a Doll on marionette strings… a Doll that looked almost exactly like Travis, as it turned out, complete with a miniature Blood Berry that glowed in the same blueish-white color the Ice Cucumber Mk. 1 did.

"To think that I ordered the perfect materials for this occasion, Travis Touchdown." Alice called as she dangled the Travis Doll from the strings. "What do you think of my latest creation?"

"That's a handsome Doll you have their, Alice." Travis shouted back as started to recharge the Rose Nasty batteries. "Unfortunately for you, it's not gonna do much good against me. Your army of Dolls did a fuck-load of good for you, didn't they?"

"Oh, it would seem as though you're mistaken in your thinking." Alice retorted as she dodged Marisa's line of fire. "You see, Travis, you and Marisa actually did me quite the favor. Being in control of so many Dolls at once can be taxing on my power. With each Doll you two smash apart or shoot down, I can exercise stronger control over the ones still intact. And seeing as though I only have two Dolls left, that means I can focus on their power!"

Travis saw the handsome Doll swing down his Mini-Blood Berry in a sweeping vertical motion, and the much larger Doll swing down the pillar-sized Ice Cucumber Mk. I soon afterwards as Alice created a series of red bullet rings that Marisa continued to weave in and out of, and Travis deflected in a more efficient manner (by batting them away of course). Each bullet he batted away slammed into the Goliath Doll's body as Marisa's onslaught continued, knocking her back ever so slightly and even causing her to stumble. The Travis Doll threw his Mini-Blood Berry at the

"Alice! What the hell is your deal?!" Marisa shouted as she began to move towards her again.

Alice, with the Travis Doll still dangling in her grasp, continued to fire back. "Pardon me? I'm sorry, but why shouldn't I be firing at my enemy?"

"Why us? Isn't there someone more deserving?" Marisa shouted again.

"You mean someone who does worse than constantly steal my property?" Alice countered as the Travis Doll flew forward to knock Marisa out of the sky as the Goliath Doll dashed towards the real deal. The Doll brought her beam katana down onto Travis, and with considerable effort and adrenaline kicking in, he blocked it and immediately dodged to the right to initiate a technique called a Dark Step (…or Circling Around if you want to be official). The world around Travis darkened and slowed down as he silently slid on the ground and delivered a hard slashing combo onto the Goliath's right leg. The Doll lost her balance as Travis wrapped her leg in a bear hug, and through simultaneous force of willpower and gravity, the Doll was knocked down to the ground, sending rumbling throughout the area. Travis climbed onto the Doll's body, dragging the Rose Nasty blades through the body and dress, before stopping at the head. He jumped up, and thrust the blades into the Doll's head. He let out a triumphant cry of victory as the Doll's head cracked apart. The Ice Cucumber Mk. I had fritzed out and let out a puff of smoke from its handle.

Marisa fell onto the grass beside him, dazed by a stray bullet.

(Suggested Listening: No More Heroes OST – "Cashmere Cannonball")

Alice descended down onto the ground, gawking at the destruction of her finest creation. She then shook her head and chuckled.

"It's time for us to end this, Travis Touchdown. Are you ready for my Last Word?" she asked as she hovered off the ground.

"Hah!" Travis shouted, as he gained a steely glint in his eye, much like during his duel with Yukari that fateful night. "Your last words will be carved onto your tombstone! And once I'm done killing you, I will set out to find Yukari Yakumo and become Number 1 across space and time!"

Marisa, while she couldn't really do anything to help Travis finish the fight, called out "Wait! Travis! A Last Word is-!"

" **The Phantom of Grand Guignol"**

Immediately Alice had bizarre purple occult symbols floating in a circle around her, and they began firing off slow-moving but intensely powerful feeling pink bullets in all directions.

 **N.M.H. "Cashmere Cannonball"**

Travis crossed the dual blades of the Rose Nasty together and felt the energy inside him well up. He steadied his grip and began moving his feet carefully, not willing to lose sight of his enemy for anything. He dodged the elegantly moving bullets as he searched for an opening. More bullets came, some of which clearly meaning to entrap a closer opponent. Travis saw through the façade and kept his distance. Alice, however, was clever. Rather than waiting for him to come closer, she began to rapidly fire hundreds, if not thousands of incredibly quick moving purple and crimson bullets that Travis could only barely dodge without worry. Instinct guided his every movement as the energy in his blades charged and charged evermore. The speed and precision were soon replaced with the slow moving pink spread shots. And they too were replaced with the purple/crimson bullets that rocketed at him in the first place. For a solid minute, but what Travis perceived as a month of dicking around, the two continued their dance of Death, neither side letting up in their goal. Travis's super-powered technique had long since finished charging. It was just a matter of when he used it. He could barely see an opening. As Travis and Alice continued their war of attrition, something descended from the sky and struck Alice on her head, which somehow cleared the area of her bullets. It appeared to be a seal of some kind. Travis glanced into the sky and saw a familiar face, that of the maiden he had met just this morning.

"Reimu!" Travis and Marisa called at the same time.

"Now!" she shouted, and Travis was inclined to listen to her. Travis dashed forward at seemingly light-speed, and ran right through Alice, who fell to the ground in an explosion of blood. He then began slashing at her body until she couldn't move, dismembering, disemboweling, and dissecting her with the remaining battery life within the Rose Nasty's blades, until finally… she fell back onto the ground into a puddle of blood and guts.

* * *

 _ALICE MARGATROID – DEFEATED!_

* * *

Marisa stared at Alice's still bleeding body in shock… she fell to her knees as her eyes went dead blank. She looked like she was about to vomit all over the grass.

"Hey, Alice!" she shouted. "Alice! Are you okay?"

To Travis's surprise, Alice had opened her eyes.

"Marisa…" she called out weakly.

So she was still alive? Travis asked himself. No… I can't kill her. I have to see the end to this. Besides, if she bites it, I'll take responsibility. She fought well, and there's no chance of her getting unfairly gunned down like this.

"Alice!" Marisa called out in relief. "Holy fuck, you're bleeding! It's not too late, we can get you to a doctor, and we can stitch you back and-"

Alice then hoarsely coughed as her hand opened. "No time… Marisa… I need you to tell you something… something very important."

"Anything! Just please, stay with us!" Marisa called out, putting her friend's hand on her cheek and gazing into her slowly fading eyes.

Alice seemed to smile a little bit as she bent up to whisper her sweet voice into Marisa's ear. She hoarsely spoke those six words, simple but powerful words that touched Marisa's pure and innocent soul…

"Get the fuck off me, Marisa."

What, did you think I'd put a love confession so early in? Golly, I'm hurt that you'd assume I'd stoop so low. I don't do that shit until at LEAST twenty chapters in.

Marisa, however, seemed to be utterly shocked by this, as she didn't say a word. She quietly sat there, her heart slowly sinking like a stone in a tar pit as Alice's body fell limp. Marisa just saw someone die. Not just any someone, but a dear friend. Sure, they may have argued. Sure, Marisa may have stolen her stuff almost constantly. Sure, Alice was kind of a creepy girl who lived out in the woods with an army of dolls. But Marisa knew that deep down, they had a mutual bond as deep as the abyss. As Alice's spirit departed from her body, Marisa knew that her friend was dead. Cut down because of something she had no say in.

Which means that Marisa was utterly shocked when Alice opened her eyes.

"Alice! B-but how in the-? Why in the-? Where in the-? When in the-? What in the-? WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL HERE?! WHY ARE YOU ALIVE?! WHERE DID ALL THE BLOOD GO?!"

Marisa reeled back as her face turned a nasty shade of green, like split pea soup.

"Marisa! Calm down, will you? I still have a headache." Alice began, clutching her head with her hand.

"Yes, I'm well aware that Travis had impaled me through my chest." Alice continued. "Yes, I died. But if you hadn't did that pointless bit of melodrama, I would've explained everything." She paused, as though suddenly aware of Marisa's touch.

"Didn't I tell you to remove your body from mine?" she asked flatly, and Marisa complied with a slight rosy tint on her face.

"Sorry. I… uh…"

"So, whatever Alice has been afflicted with seems to have been exorcised." A voice interrupted. Reimu descended down upon them as she put her hand up to her chin in thought.

"What do you mean?" Travis asked, looking at her in bewilderment. "I've been in some crazy shit in my time, but I've never been in something like this."

Reimu helped Alice off the ground. "Alice has been hit with a bizarre mixture of illusion magic, brainwashing, and some kind of bizarre barrier from Death that heals even the gravest of wounds."

Alice dusted the dirt and dew off of her body. "Ah, you figured it out to, Hakurei-san?" she asked, looking surprised. "That ofuda you hit me with… did you use it to save me?"

Reimu shook her head and closed her eyes. "Not necessarily, I only used it as a distraction. You have Travis to thank for your continued existence"

"Explain this to me. Clearly." Travis demanded.

"To put it simply, the ultra-violence you committed while under the Spell Card rules, while unconventional, seems to have generated enough magical energy to kill Alice temporarily, which resulted in some kind of divine force purifying her soul and restoring her back to life." Reimu finished. "Now that I think of it… that makes no sense whatsoever, but it's the only explanation I can give to what happened."

Marisa let out a moan of pain and Reimu casted a glance over to the tomboy witch. "Are you alright, Marisa?"

"Are we done here? I think I need to sleep somewhere other than the Forest of Magic tonight…"

"Yes, Marisa. It's done." Alice said. "…looks like I destroyed my own house…"

"I can get us a room at the Tavern in the Human Village…" Marisa offhandedly mentioned… "But someone's gotta carry me there."

She fell to the dirt in exhaustion.

* * *

A little while later, Travis stood in the Human Village Post Office, where the Postmaster sighs of relief.

"Oh, thank fuck! You're alive, Travis!" he gasped. "Looks like you've finished work for today. Good job, part timer! Let's tally up your score! We'll discount the time you spent in the boss fight!"

* * *

 _ **TOUHOU – DEATH-DEFYING DAREDEVIL DELIVERY SERVICE – EASY MODE SCORE!**_

 _ **Flat Pay – 20000 LB$**_

 _ **Clear Time 4:31 – 500 LB$**_

 _ **Clear Bonus – 5000 LB$**_

 _ **Intact Package Bonus – 10000 LB$**_

 _ **Bakebake Burnt-Up – 10000 LB$**_

 _ **Dolls Smashed! – 90000 LB$**_

 _ **Alice Defeated! – 50000 LB$**_

 _ **Total – 195500 LB $!**_

 _ **High Score!**_

* * *

Travis sat down and felt the money flowing in around him. This left him with plenty of walking around money.

 _Death-Defying Delivery Service – Normal Mode is now available!_

Nope. Not today! Travis decided to take a load off when he got to the Tavern. He bought a small room, and, after eating a well-deserved lunch, took a long… long nap. And in that nap, he had premonitions... of fairies, vampires, gods, moon rabbits, demons... all _Moe_ , all dangerous, all for him to challenge. Is this the Paradise he had been seeking? Perhaps Gensokyo wasn't so bad...

Right?

Well, you'll have to read, won't you?

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry it took so long for me to update this. Hopefully, I can get the next chapter out as soon as possible. Also, I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd leave some constructive reviews/feedback. Please?


	4. Chapter 2: Fox Hunting

"Disclaimer: 1) a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2) disavowal; 3) a statement made to save one's own ass; 4) a foresaid word for not being blamed later." –definition of "disclaimer" in "Dogma", directed by Kevin Smith.

See, that's the reason why I don't like doing disclaimers. Anyway, we'll largely be partying up with Henry this chapter, where we'll meet old acquaintances that only people who're really obsessed with No More Heroes (like I am) will even know exist and encounter new... tentative allies from Gensokyo who you'll recognize.

(Also, hate to kill the comedic mood here, I want to give a belated prayer for Unshō Ishizuka, who sadly lost his battle with esophageal cancer last Monday at the age of 67. For those not in the know, Ishizuka-sama was one of my favorite Seiyuus: he played characters like Professor Samuel Oak and the Narrator in Pokémon, Jet Black in Cowboy Bebop, Ryotaro Dojima in Persona 4, Heihachi Mishima in every Tekken game after Tag Tournament 2, Bryan Roses in Killer Is Dead, Joseph Joestar in JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Parts 3 and 4, and even a lot of dub work for Liam Neeson and Laurence Fishburne of all people. I'll miss him a lot, but seeing he was working so hard, even when he was on Death's doorstep, I'll have to honor his memory by working just as hard. I wish his friends, family, and fans well, and hope that they can learn from just how amazing he was.)

* * *

Chapter 2: Fox Hunting

(Suggested Listening: "D.N.D (Do Not Destroy)" – No More Heroes OST)

Henry silently moved to the door as Sylvia called out to him. "Henry! How have you been? Are you well?"

He paused, and turned around slightly. "You could say that, yes. Done anything good lately, Sylvia?"

Sylvia pouted. "I believe I have, but now is not the time for catching up. Travis has gone missing."

"Oh, really? I haven't noticed." Henry said. "It's just like how that boy Vincent lost his brother, isn't it?"

"Is Yusuke Kozaki's 'No More Loser' comic even canon to the games' storyline?" She asked back as Henry exited the building, taking care to pet Jeane on her head. He would've answered, but then he saw his brother's death trap of a motorbike being jacked by someone.

"Hey! Stop that, you rotten lass!"

This "rotten lass" looked at him. It was a girl in a light purple/blue dress with a blue print on its front, and nine yellow fox tails sticking out of the back of it. Her eyes and hair had slightly different shades of yellow for their color, and on her head she wore a two

The girl, despite clearly being inexperienced on all counts, managed to jumpstart the Schpeltiger II and haul away on it in the fastest way possible.

"Get back here!" Henry called out and chased after her, but it was too late. The girl was gone, and with her, the Schpeltiger II, potentially the only clue Henry had as to his brother's whereabouts.

Sylvia approached him and put a hand on his shoulder, with a look that suggested simultaneous grief and frustration.

"I have people who are willing to assist in our search."

"Your search, you mean." Henry dismissed. "Besides, who are you even employing? Talbot and Weller, who you probably don't even pay? That psychotic little girl Kimmy? That Naomi woman who leeches his money as much as you do? Ryan Yamazaki?"

Sylvia said nothing, instead opting to pretend to check for some kind of message.

"I've made connections in the free time I've had." Henry mentioned as he used his new Orange X-Phone, which Sylvia recognized as not even being available for consumer purchase yet, to text someone. Her sharp eyes picked up the conversation, which appeared to be with a man by name of "Wolf Vann".

"I'd hate to bother you, Wolf, but I need a favor."

"Alright then, anything for a customer that pays as high as you do."

Henry suddenly spun around, as though just noticing that Sylvia was looking over his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, but I can't have you looking at this. It's quite sensitive information." He answered cheerfully.

"Well, you've certainly grown to be more fun over the years." Sylvia replied.

"Too late. Well, I'm off to find Travis my own way." He finished, as a tow truck brought in a relatively small motorcycle compared to the Schpeltiger II. A 1987 Suzuki RG250 Gamma Mk4, to be more precise. He approached the window of the truck.

"Just leave it here, Gregory." He said with the same cheerful air as he had a few seconds ago. "Melanie and the boys doing alright?"

"Yeah. Guess you need this, huh?" Gregory, who Sylvia had not recognized through her searching of Santa Destroy's police records, gestured to the bike with his thumb.

Henry pulled out his wallet and took out several 20 LB dollar bills. "This ought to cover the costs. And here's your tip." He added a few 10s and a 5 to the pile.

"Wow, thanks man!" he replied. "It's already filled up, so you can do what you need to do. Be sure to ride safely!"

Henry detached the bike from the tow, and straddled it as the tow truck drove away.

"I'll be the one to find him first. I have a responsibility as his big brother, after all."

He rocketed off down the asphalt road as Sylvia stood there, finally deciding to make a proper call.

"Hello, Miss Howell? Yes, this is Sylvia Christel. I request your assistance."

* * *

Henry rode through the streets of Santa Destroy at high speeds. Occasionally, he'd stop to ask about the Nine-Tailed Fox Girl, to which he usually got either looks of incredulity or something like a dispassionate "Yeah, she rode off over that way". He went everywhere he could, including Senton Splash Tunnel, Rounding Body Press Station, Bear Hug Studios, Body Slam Beach, Rolling Cradle Highway, Santa Destroy High School, he even nearly went on the route to the neighboring Speed City before he turned back to avoid traffic.

Eventually, he pulled up to Destroy Stadium, where the Santa Destroy Red Tigers had finished practice for the day (he read about their rivalry with the Lospass Blue Legions in an article once, but hadn't had time to read the details). Henry saw that the Nine-Tailed Fox Girl had scaled the side of the stadium. He jumped off and ran around the side, and jumped into the bleachers.

Henry saw that the Schpeltiger II was falling into a hole full of crimson eyes and inky red darkness. Surprised, but not altogether caught off guard, Henry jumped down into the stadium and called out to the girl: "Hold it!"

The girl turned around, her smiling expression seemingly unchanging.

"Hello. I assume you're Mr. Henry Cooldown?" she asked. She had a strong Japanese accent, though exactly which region she was from, Henry couldn't pin down. It seemed to be fairly rural, if he had to guess, but he couldn't be sure.

"Yes I am." He answered. "Why are you trying to abscond with my brother's bike, eh?"

"Mr. Touchdown requires this bike." She replied, jumping over the hole. "Therefore, Lady Yukari needs it too."

"Oh no you don't, lass!" Henry called out, but it was too late. The hole had disappeared, and with it, the only clue he had as to his brother's whereabouts.

"Dammit!" Henry shouted. What a damned foolish move he made! "Alright, you, listen here. I don't know where you or your boss whisked my brother off to, but once I find out where, I'm afraid I'll have to skin you into a fur coat and cook you in a brine."

"If you wish to see your brother, then all you need to do is come to Gensokyo." She stated, as though she were commenting on the state of Santa Destroy's blazing summer weather. "But first, we need to see if you're a capable fighter. Don't worry, we won't kill you, but you should hold nothing back all the same."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Henry demanded back, as he drew his beam katana.

"Nothing much, really." She replied, shaking her head. "Chen!"

(Suggested Listening: "Diao Ye Zong (Withered Leaf)" – Perfect Cherry Blossom – The version I listened to while making this is "Stay By My Side" by Yuyoyuppe and Kakichoco of the doujin circle Foreground Eclipse x Draw The Emotional, off the album "Seated With Liquor". I highly recommend you listen to it if you haven't, by the way, it's really good.)

Before Henry could ask what "Chen" referred to, he apparently got his answer. A girl, perhaps no older than fourteen, had jumped out from the bleachers on the opposite side of the stadium. She ran at Henry, and attempted to claw at him with razor sharp red fingernails.

Henry, though he managed to avoid getting hurt, winced slightly as he heard the sound of his pants being torn. He caught a glimpse of this fast moving beast girl. She wore a green mob cap on her head that exposed her blackened cat ears (one of them being pierced by a gold ring) a red dress with light pink frills and gold trimming at the bottom, and a red/white bow on the collar. She had two black tails coming out of the back of it.

"Hello, Young Miss Chen. I won't kill you, but you won't be able to fight for a while." Henry informed, activating the beam katana. Wolf Vann's current masterpiece, the Vosmir Cross Sword. A receiverless purple blade that emitted four stubby purple blades from its sides. He wasn't sure what "Vosmir" meant, but if he had to guess, it seems to be a Russian mispronunciation of the English "voicemail". It'd be fitting.

Chen, to Henry's slight surprise, grinned a Cheshire cat grin as she jumped back.

"Hello there, Mr. Henry!" she yelled, landing at the other side of the stadium. "Don't worry, Ran! I won't make him bleed too much! Prepare your weak body for my Spells!"

 _Yo! Don't worry, I won't break up the action for too long! Anyway, you know how Desperate Struggle let you play as Mr. Sir Henry Motherfucker over here for… exactly one boss fight? Anyway, this'll be a second plotline that we might be coming back to very regularly, so just remember this real quick-like: Henry does a bit more damage than Travis can, but he's got limits on what he can do. You don't get to use Dark Side Mode or fancy Wrestling Moves when you're Henry. What you can do with Vosmir, however, more than makes up for it. Precision is King here, with acrobatics as Queen, and your Dash ability as the Jack._

 _I'm sure they could've figured it out themselves. I suppose it's time to begin fighting._ Henry sighed in his head as he took aim. Chen, who saw his disinterest, took the time to begin her onslaught. This onslaught started with…

 **Hermit Sign "Phoenix Egg"**

Immediately, Chen used what seemed to be genuine magical energy to create outward moving, but slightly slow, bursts of red/orange energy shaped like arrowheads that traveled in circles before going towards Henry. Henry, deciding to make use of the Vosmir's full abilities, pulled his katana backwards, and flicked it at his opponent, watching a series of small purple orbs of energy fly at her at high speeds as he dashed around the red arrowheads.

"You're gonna have to try harder than that, kitty!" Henry boasted as he stabbed his blade into the cat's midsection, and swung her up into the air, and slammed her onto the ground behind him.

Chen, clearly angry, jumped back up onto her feet and hissed.

"My back!" Chen called out as she stumbled ever so slightly. Within that same instant, Chen started to dart about and jump great distances, like Halle Berry in that terrible Catwoman movie, each time clawing Henry or firing her bullets at him, depending on how far she was. Henry responded, however, by clashing against her claws with the Vosmir, and firing back his own bullets. Each time he won the Weapon Clash, he'd stun Chen, and then strike her with a strong, fast combo. But Chen soldiered on, firing off bullets that he'd often just barely graze by. One instance in particular had Henry just barely find an opening that he could weave through, only for Chen to show up to scratch him. That caught him off guard, certainly, and it left him open for her next Spell Card.

 **Shikigami Sign "Pentagram Flight"**

Henry stood there stunned as Chen flew around quickly in a star pattern, firing off red and blue 360 degree bursts of bullets that traveled in all directions. Henry dodged a few, but got hit in the chest by one of reds, and was knocked back by its surprising force. She repeated the pattern, he shot back after seeing her leave herself open, she clawed at him at the star's lower left point, he impaled her with his blade, and just like that, her Spell Card was brought to an abrupt ending as the bullets around the two disappeared. She looked around; she was searching for something, no doubt.

"If you're planning something, just be wary that our dance will end soon." Henry informed.

"I know. I'm gonna be the one to end it!" Chen jumped to the corner of the stadium and placed her hand on the AstroTurf, feeling it. "This grass is fake. Hopefully the blisters I give you won't sting too badly!"

 **Heaven Sign "Immortal Sage's Rumbling"**

Henry continued firing the Vosmir's bullets, but Chen began to spin and move around in seemingly random patterns. She fired at certain intervals, but Henry effortlessly avoided them through his own spins. Once he got close enough to Chen, he swung the Vosmir at her lower half, and watched as she keeled down into the ground. But the cat darted out under his legs, nearly toppling him over.

 **Hermit Sign "Eternal Shikaisen Incarnation"**

Chen fired bow shaped bursts of bullets, once again red and blue. After everything she did, this was pretty boring in comparison. Perhaps she's finally getting tired? Good. Now, it was his turn to put on the pressure.

He gathered the Vosmir's energy as he pulled it back, and once he was certain that it was fully charged, he unleashed his ultimate technique. He charged forward and stabbed Chen through her chest.

"Playtime is over!" he called, and with his strength tossed her high into the air. He jumped up after her and knocked her even higher, grabbed her from the side, and threw her down into the ground. He then, with the base of the handle on the bottom of his shoe, stuck the landing with his killing blow, as Chen let out an ear piercing scream. Henry jumped off and caught his blade back into his leather-gloved hand.

* * *

CHEN – WARDED OFF!

* * *

Chen, who had miraculously escaped Death's clutches with only two massive tears in her dress, held up her hand, and scampered away from Henry to Ran's side.

"He's tough!" She shouted. "Too tough, even!"

Frankly, Henry was surprised that she had such a sentiment. Sure, he believed he had fought well… but it was clear that his opponent was holding back.

"It'd be best if we got his assistance. But even though he's clearly no ordinary human, we'll have to be careful." Ran stated.

"Right…" Chen moaned.

"Are you alright, Chen?" the fox asked, putting her hand on her shoulder.

"I didn't get as many injuries as I was expecting, but… No, I'm not okay! I'm never fighting that psycho with the stupid accent ever again!" Chen determined. "Listen up, Henry! If you want to find your brother, come to Gensokyo!"

Before Henry could demand to know where this "Gensokyo" place even was, the cat and fox had disappeared in the inky red gap.

Henry sighed, and pulled out his X-Phone. He quietly dialed and made a call.

"Hello, Wolf?" He asked quietly into the speaker as he began to make his way out of the stadium.

"Ah, Henry, good timing." A thick Russian accented man said from the other end. "That 'thing' you wanted is ready. I'm in Russian Tie-Up Station over in Speed City. Just come here, and I'll pass it on to you."

"Alright. Just wait there."

"Hurry up, will you? This place is seedy beyond belief." And like that, Wolf Vann hung up. Henry, though uneager to go anywhere even close to Speed City, knew that he had to procure what Wolf made so that he can properly begin his search.

* * *

(Suggested Listening: Good Morning – EarthBound/MOTHER 2 OST)

Travis Touchdown woke up in the Tavern, feeling very much refreshed. However, his heart sank when he realized: This was no dream. Reluctantly, Travis climbed out of his bed and got himself dressed. He hadn't had the time to pack a set of clothes, especially not when he had been brought here by that old bitch. So it was time for his default clothing set. Sunflower Sunglasses… check. Red Hot Jacket… check. Totally badass Bizarre Jelly T-Shirt… check. Tigers 510 Jeans… check. Iguana skin Lizard Belt… check… Santa Destroy wrist band… huh?

Travis looked on the bedside table, he opened it up and scanned inside after rifling through it, he looked under it, behind it, ripped off the bed sheets, lifted up the mattress, turned the pillow cases inside out,

"Looking for this?" he heard a familiar voice say from the door, and sure enough, Marisa Kirisame, looking a bit more awake than he was, stood there, spinning it on her finger, barely containing her laughter.

"Yeah. Could you give it back?" Travis asked, now feeling grumpier than one typically feels when they wake up.

Marisa tossed it back, and Travis caught it in his hand, as he muttered a quick "Thanks…"

"Sorry, I tend to take stuff without asking." Marisa chuckled. "By the way, Reimu told me to take you to the Hakurei shrine after you eat your breakfast, ze."

Travis, who was arming himself with his beam katanas and, slipping on his band, paused. "What the hell was that?"

"What the hell was what, ~ka?" She asked as Travis walked out of the room.

"…I'm sorry, I thought I heard something stupid-sounding, but I guess it was just my imagination." He shook his head, and Marisa followed after him downstairs.

(Suggested Listening: Homely Yado Inn – MOTHER 3 OST. If it's too short, just… extend it a little. GilvaSunner may've been a goddamn lifesaver in his heyday before his cousin SilvaGunner stole our hearts, but this definitely isn't long enough.)

The two sat at the bar, where Marisa waved over to someone. Travis turned around and saw Alice Margatroid, eating some Eggs Benedict and a slice golden brown toast and drinking a cup of lightly creamed and sugared coffee, sitting right next to him. She turned around, and looked away awkwardly.

"Don't mind her. Since her house is currently being rebuilt, I'm having her stay at my place, ze." Marisa waved her hand again.

Alice put her cup down. "And by 'staying at her place' she means 'staying just outside her house in a tent because it's a disaster area inside of it'."

Marisa chuckled, and slapped the table, which was when the kimono-clad barmaid showed up.

"Hey there, Kuniko!" she said. "Bring Travis the breakfast special, will ya?"

"Okay." The barmaid sighed quietly.

Alice began to speak. "Excuse me, Mr. Touchdown? I'd like to apologize for attempting to kill you yesterday."

"It's alright. Happens all the time." Travis waved his hand around dismissively.

Alice blinked her eyes. "Really? But you just got here, didn't you?"

Travis shook his head. "Yeah, but crazy people have been constantly trying to kill me for years now. It helps if you kill them first."

Alice blinked again. "…well, youkai have killed each other over less in Gensokyo. Not like I'm in a hurry to die… again."

The three ate for a while, with Marisa and Alice doing most of the talking: mostly about Marisa stealing Alice's property, or Alice apparently attempting to create a life-sized replica of Marisa, which Travis decided to ignore.

Eventually, Travis dropped a few LB Dollars at his place, and got up to leave.

"Hey!" Marisa called out. "Don't leave without us!"

The two magicians chased after the assassin, and out into the sun over the Human Village.

* * *

(Suggested Listening: "Kids Run Through the City – Final Fantasy VI")

Travis walked onwards towards the entrance of the Village, only barely paying attention to the people around him. He saw someone who looked like a maid buying tea leaves, a girl in a suit jacket selling medicine to an old man, a girl with a freaky purple umbrella trying to startle some children being shepherded around by a silver-haired woman, and Rinnosuke, of all people, eating at a tofu shop. Travis would've said hello, but he accidentally bumped into someone. A rather strong someone, mind you. The woman he bumped into had dark green hair that fell just short of her shoulders, and was dressed in a red plaid flannel dress/vest with a white dress shirt underneath. She carried a white parasol in her hands.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Are you alright?" she asked as she held out a hand.

Travis looked into her red eyes. Even though the showed some slight concern, Travis could feel that she wasn't really interested in what happened to him. She seemed to be more interested in the basket of flowers she held under her arms.

"Oh, I know you!" she began. "You're that Travis fellow, are you not?"

Travis took her hand with his gloved one, and she effortlessly pulled him off the ground.

"Yeah. How'd you-?" Travis would've finished, but he had a sudden realization.

"My name is Yuuka Kazami!" she said, smiling as she confirmed his worst fear at the worst moment. "I heard that you like flowers enough to name your weapons after them?"

That was when Travis's heart stopped cold. Shit! This is Yuuka Kazami? She barely even flinched when I bumped into her! It's like her body is made out of steel!

"Hee-hee! Looks like I'm scaring you a bit, huh?" Yuuka still hadn't let go of Travis's hand. She was clearly trying to crush it between her thumb and forefinger. "Say, Travis, what do you think of camellias?"

Travis, though it was obvious that he almost choked from the pain, managed to groan out a strained "Huh? The hell are you talking about?"

She paused for a second, but seemed to realize. "Oh! I'm sorry! It seems as though I've been holding on for a bit too long! I was only trying to think about flowers that'd suit you."

"Gah!" he gasped out as the dull pain slowly began to fade. "Well, they're some of the nicest flowers in the world, especially the ones that grow in Japan. But I like roses of all kinds and the Blaze peonies that grow in China too."

"That's nice." Yuuka continued smiling, this time. "Those'll look extra nice in your arrangement after dear Reimu finishes wiping your guts off the grass. Here you go. A free sample of how beautiful your grave will be."

Yuuka plucked a flower from her basket. It was a _Camellia Japonica_ with red petals. She watched Travis take it in his left hand, doing his damnedest not to do any damage to it.

"I think a Tiger Lily would go nice with them too! I can't wait to fight you someday. The flowers I've prepared for you are perfect."

And like that, Yuuka slowly walked off, humming something that sounded vaguely like The Beatles' _"When I'm Sixty-Four"_.

Travis looked down, and pulled the Tsubaki Mk. III of his belt, and got a good look at it for the first time in a while. The hilt's gold cross-guard, the kanji for "Tora" (Tiger), was glittering in the sunlight and the three red rings just beneath it stood out against the otherwise white handle. He pressed his finger on the switch and stared at Yuuka as she walked off, softly singing _"Doing the garden, digging the weeds/Who could ask for more?/Will you still need me, will you still feed me/When I'm sixty four?"_ He activated the blade, and watched the green beam shoot out. It didn't have a receiver like its predecessors or the Blood Berry, but that genius Dr. Naomi somehow made it work. He watched Yuuka exit the village. He wanted to run forward, decapitate her while he had the chance, but he couldn't. Eventually, Yuuka disappeared into the distance, he could almost hear her humming _"Give me your answer, fill in a form/Mine forevermore/Will you still need me, will you still feed me/When I'm sixty four?"_

Travis had no choice but to deactivate the Tsubaki, and he stared at the camellia, its beautiful namesake. Travis knew little about the Japanese language of flowers, but he remembered reading about the meaning of camellias. If it had red petals, it represented either being in love or meeting a graceful death. Take a guess as to which one she meant.

Travis shuddered as she thought about what kind of power Yuuka Kazami had. Even when Marisa and Alice caught up to him, even after Marisa shouted "What's your deal, huh? Why'd you leave without us?" before Alice lightly slapped her on the back of the head, even after they saw the camellia in his hand, even after Marisa relieved him of it to use it in a potion she was brewing, even after the pain in his hand died down, even after _"When I'm Sixty Four"_ died down in his head and was replaced with the sounds of birds chirping and Marisa arguing with Alice, he still thought about Yuuka the dangerously powerful Oriental Demon's cheerfully delivered threat.

And he was gonna have to fight her eventually.

The trio had arrived at the Hakurei Shrine. It was just as Travis remembered it from yesterday. It was still old, still run down to shit, still in front of a great grove of cherry trees, still classically rural Japanese in everything but name. That is, if a great beast of a motorcycle wasn't lodged directly into the stairs, with Reimu Hakurei angrily attempting to remove it.

"Dammit! Dammit! Why won't this hunk of metal shit come out!?" she shouted.

Marisa ran over and tried to help her pull it out, while Alice and Travis merely stood there.

Travis blinked his eyes, scarcely believing what he was seeing. It couldn't be… could it? Travis smacked himself in the wrist, pinched it for good measure. He blinked his eyes and it was still there. It really is there! The Schpeltiger II! He recognized its long white/orange body, and its smoking tailpipes. And sitting in the seat on top of a large suitcase…

"Jeane!" Travis ran over to the bike, and heard his cat meow. "How the hell did you get here, girl?"

Under Jeane's paw was a rolled up bit of paper, which she knocked off as she jumped down onto the grass.

Travis picked up the paper, and began reading it aloud.

 _Hello, Mr. Travis Touchdown_

 _Here in the front yard of the Hakurei Shrine is your machine. My hardworking Shikigami have recovered it for you in. The cat, however, seemed to insist on following it, so I kept it in my domain for a while. She's very well behaved, I'll grant you that. Perhaps it's your inner tiger coming out?_

 _But anyway, you will need this to travel around Gensokyo, seeing as though you seem to be unable to fly naturally. I put a personal enchantment on it to let it fly naturally. Just rev the left handlebar and you'll be airborne. Rev it again, and you'll begin a slow descent back to earth._

 _Wait in your room. A contact will be sent to you to give you direction as to what you can do next in the coming days, as well as field support if needed. Contained within the suitcase are your clothing items from the first two games, your toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, floss, some shampoo and conditioner, and._

 _Once you, Reimu, and whoever else you recruit help me put an end to the Incident, you will be allowed to return home to Santa Destroy._

 _-Yours truly, Yukari Yakumo_

 _P.S., be sure to acquire money so that you can maintain a higher quality of life in the Human Village. They're surprisingly stingy, so it makes sense that Reimu doesn't make as much money as she should._

Travis looked up from the letter, and studied Reimu's expression. Her expression was blank, but Travis could tell that she was angry. She plucked the letter from his hands and started manhandling it. She tore it apart, scattered the pieces onto the ground, and stomped on them, before finally kicking them into the grass.

Travis made to leave, but Reimu grabbed him, rather forcefully, by the hand and pulled him back.

"You're gonna help me repair the stairs, and you're gonna remove that thing. Do you understand me?"

"Yes ma'am." Travis said as Reimu handed him a hammer. He could tell that today was going to be a long day. But how long? That was the million dollar question.

* * *

And thus, Chapter 2 of Touhou - Beam Katana Chronicles draws to a close! Had a lot of fun writing this, especially the fight between Henry and Chen. Hopefully you liked it too! Anyway,


	5. Chapter 3: A Hard Day's Night

Welcome to this… non-specified-period-of-time-but-certainly-way-too-late-to-be-called-a-month-or-two-so-let's-call-it-an-interval-or-something…'s installment of Touhou – Beam Katana Chronicles! Starring Travis Touchdown and… the character tags still say Reimu Hakurei, right? Yeah, she kinda fell out of focus, huh? Well, anyway, yeah, she's important. Really. Don't know if you've forgotten, what with Marisa and Alice taking up a huge part of the last two chapters. A friend over on Tumblr, with a really helpful review, said that I've been introducing characters too quickly/too frequently to properly flesh them out. And by the soul of killer7's chance of becoming a mainstream game, she was right! What kind of pills was I popping?

Well, anyway, I want to properly remedy this. I'm gonna cut down on unnecessary detail, and hopefully properly establish what characters I have introduced. Anyways, yes, I suppose you could call this a "filler/slice-of-life/interlude/break/whatever" chapter. There's not gonna be too much in the way of violence in this chapter, sorry to disappoint, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.

(Also, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Everybody! Happy Holidays! If you have a problem with Happy Holidays, then Happy Shut the Fuck Up. I'm getting this over with so I can go back to Smash Ultimate.)

* * *

Chapter 3: A Hard Day's Night

Travis and Alice spent their morning by helping Reimu rebuild her Shrine's staircase. Travis was relegated to cutting and measuring and refining wood from tightly-nailed pallets. The wood she used (probably from some oak trees that were definitely from somewhere else in Gensokyo) was shockingly resistant to the power of his beam katanas. She occasionally fired a red bullet at Travis, each time yelling something like "No goofing off!" or "Put your back into it!" as he nearly collapsed from the heat that was steadily increasing, even long after he had tossed aside his jacket. Alice, meanwhile, had been charged with guiding her Dolls as they carry the wood. Not an easy task, Travis had to admit, as Reimu was just as cruel with a woman as she was with a man. They had attempted to switch jobs once or twice, only to be met with that thing Reimu called the "Yin-Yang Orb" coming at them at high speeds. It even struck Travis in the back of the head, and for a solid hour, all he could hear was ringing.

If Travis and Alice could be truly united by one thing, and one thing only, it'd be their newfound hatred of Marisa Kirisame. The blonde-haired witch, who had contributed a staggering amount of nothing to this supposed group effort, sat on the Shrine's porch and watched the Dolls weakly hammer the nails. After Alice and Travis finally decided to protest, she was sent off by Reimu to the Human Village marketplace to pick up more nails.

"I'm back, ze!" she said as she had returned a whole 30 minutes later, with a tiny box of nails tied to the handle of her broom, as Reimu brought out some glasses of cold water, and set them on the porch, looking at Marisa kindly. Travis immediately fell down to the ground and collapsed as he leaned back, feeling his left forearm throb in pain and occasionally spazzing out. Jeane had leapt down from her seat on Travis's bike (having picked clean a fresh fish that Reimu gave her) and licked his face, barely keeping him awake.

"Good work, you two." She said, looking slightly less angry. "Now then, are you thirsty?"

Travis got back up, steadily regaining his balance. That's going to be doing that for the rest of the day… Alice had taken one of the glasses and took it to Travis, who treated it like the blood of Christ as he gently sipped it. The life-granting nectar restored Travis's energy, and he stood back up perfectly straight, pulling his jacket back over his now stained Bizarre Jelly shirt and chugged the rest of it. He looked at the wooden stairs that had been installed onto the shrine. They were evened out, nailed down perfectly, and (most importantly) sturdy.

"All I need to do now is paint them." Reimu noted. "Don't worry, you two have done enough for today. I'll do the painting myself."

 _Today._ That simple word set an alarm off in Travis's head. It had occurred to him that he had been away from Santa Destroy for nearly a whole day. He had heard the sound of Japanese skylarks and barn swallows chirping as he gazed into the brilliant blue sky. He watched the white clouds slowly roll over as he wondered. Santa Destroy had been Travis's home for a good chunk of his adult life. He rarely left its limits, and when he did, he was home before the next day ended. Now, he doubted that he'd be able to even go home if he didn't fulfill whatever mission Yukari Yakumo set before him.

Oh yes, Travis was still quite the unhappy camper about that. Once again, he had found himself manipulated by some blonde woman. Had he not learned his lesson the last few times? Did his desire to cut off someone's head outweigh his common sense? He was "Jebaited", as the cool kids say nowadays, and was bound by the laws of Bushido to see this through to the end. He wouldn't rest easy if he didn't. And to further add to his grudge, Travis had a sneaking suspicion… he was certain that he had been on even footing with Yukari. That Spell Card system had-

 _The Spell Card system._

They were both being held back by Gensokyo's laws of physics. And judging by what he could figure out about it, it was holding Yukari back more than Travis. This gave him conflicting emotions that he didn't think he could feel so strongly.

Not to mention, even if he did manage to kill Yukari, what if she could just came back like Alice did? What if she didn't even need what apparently happened with Alice? What if-

What if it was HE who couldn't just return to the dog race like he could back home?

Travis got up and tried to shake it out of his head. He approached the Schpeltiger… the Human Village wasn't that far away… Jeane can keep her nap going.

He rolled the bike down the cobblestone path, and he saw that birdhouse of a shrine again. Travis squatted down and looked at it closely. He should've had a hell of a time reading the signs next to it, considering they were in Japanese, but he understood it perfectly somehow.

 _This is a branch of the Moriya Shrine on Youkai Mountain. By praying to the goddesses worshipped here, they will help you in harvest and in battle. The dueling goddesses, one of mountains and earth and one of wind and rain, come from very far away, and still duel near the summit of Youkai Mountain._

The one below, however, seemed to be much newer.

 _Due to popular demand, it's now much easier to visit the main Moriya Shrine. As of April 13th 2017, there is now an aerial tramway you can take to the summit away from the Youkai. It's advised that you be prepared if you plan to make a pilgrimage, as it doesn't protect from all Youkai._

Travis bent back up and continued to roll the bike down. As he turned the corner, he thought about this… Moriya Shrine. The two goddesses apparently aren't native to this area. Were they gapped here by Yukari too? Or perhaps, did they come through some other way, like the way religion spreads? Questions raising more questions… what a damn mess.

* * *

Travis liked fighting.

Understatement of the fucking eon, I know. Captain Obvious would come down and say "Hey man, that's fucking stupid", and fly off to be a cheap gag somewhere else so I won't ever invoke his holy name ever again. Blake Belladonna being a Faunus is more surprising than this. I was more shocked by those times during Ric Flair's time as a face when Sting betrayed him. Modern Disney twist villains are a stronger revelation. You'd have a better chance at getting your mind blown if you read those shitty articles about movies being connected in one big universe.

Where was I going with that? Well, you see… Travis is back at the Human Village, which seemed to be in disarray and covered in a far darker veil of shade than usual. Travis chose to keep Jeane near the entrance. No need to get her caught up in something like this.

Floating around in the square was a young blonde girl in a black vest and skirt, a white blouse with a red tie and beads, a red ofuda on her head like a ribbon. She had her arms out like she's mimicking an airplane. No, shut your damn mouth, it's not the T-pose; the T-pose remains static, and this girl at least moved her legs around a little.

One of the old men who paid Travis in sake the other day scampered over to him. His right hand was clasped firmly on his left arm, which had its kimono sleeve stained a dark red.

"H-hey! You're that young'un from before! Listen, you gotta get inside quick! There's a youkai in the village, and she took a bite outta me!"

Travis looked over to a nearby house, where a young woman and her kids were looking at them from behind a boarded window.

"Father!" she called out, her body pressed up against the glass. The door cracked open very soon afterwards.

Travis saw tears welling up in the geezer's eye. "Please, keep that creature away from my family."

He hobbled to the door, and was ushered in by the little boy.

Travis sighed, and pulled out the… hmm… Tsubaki Mk. III's probably the best one to use here. The "Tora" kanji Dr. Naomi fitted on there even gleamed in the darkness. The green blade sparked to life. He looked over to the girl, and began to run towards her.

"Hey, girl!" he shouted.

"Huh?" She turned her gaze from a bearded man in a heavy cloak shakily holding a kitchen knife. "Hi there, Mister! It's really nice of you to come over and let me taste your meat!"

Travis and the bearded man didn't say anything. A mere second later, Travis snorted as the man let out a squeal of pain… that sounds bad out of context.

"What? I'm just looking for a snack." The girl descended, keeping her arms out. "Say, what's your name, Mister?"

"Travis."

"Well, Mister Travis, I'm Rumia! I'm a youkai of- BLEH!" She spat out a bit of blood and what looked like part of a hand as the bearded man winced. Travis's jaw fell open.

Rumia looked down and blushed. "Oh no, I'm sorry! That's really gross, isn't it? Well, I was hoping to just get one of his fingers, but then he tried to hit me. So I bit off the other hand, and it was just too much for me to stomach." Her face paled again as she smiled. "But enough about me, let's kill you!"

"H-hey!" Travis got out before he got jabbed in the stomach and sent flying across the village like a character in that fighting game he TOTALLY SHOULD'VE BEEN IN OVER A TEENAGER WHOSE ONLY APPEARANCE ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE ISN'T EVEN OUT IN AMERICA AS OF THE TIME OF THIS WRITING AND A FUCKING PIRANHA PLANT! EVEN CLOUD HAS MORE APPEARANCES ON NINTENDO CONSOLES THAN JOKER JESUS FUCKING CHRIST…sorry, that was off topic… I'm still excited for Joker but… what was I talking about? Oh right, the thing about Travis liking fighting. I was gonna talk about that, wasn't I? Well, yeah. He does like fighting… when he gets a choice in the matter. He didn't have to impale Alice. Hell, he could've even walked away from Yukari. But anyone with half a brain can tell he doesn't want to deal with a little girl who can Falcon Punch him across the screen. While nobody would want that anyway, Travis in particular was very reluctant to fight anyone he deemed "too young" like Shinobu or Kimmy Howell.

But something about the situation made Travis change his thinking around. That punch hurt like hell, and it must've set something off inside him. A primal instinct, you could say.

As Travis picked himself up off the ground, he glared at Rumia from behind his aviators. And like in the legendary Mask De Panther's match with Bulk Bogan, he roared with ear-splitting anger and came at her.

The girl jetted back up, with her arms still wide. She looked down. "That thing you have is made out of light?! Oh, that's not good at all!" She straightened out her body and shouted out.

 **Moon Sign "Moonlight Ray"**

Travis once again found himself beset upon by light blue bullets, but the brightness of the two lasers she followed soon afterwards blinded him for a brief moment and he fell onto the ground.

When his vision recovered, Rumia and the veil of darkness were gone. The bearded man had gotten up, and in an instant wrapped him up in a bear hug and said "Thank you… Oh Moriya-kami thank you… thank you, Travis-kun."

"Dude, get off!" he said. "You're down a hand, you need to be careful!"

The bearded man looked down at his bloody stump and tears started welling up. "Dammit! If only I used my knife instead of my fist…"

From a nearby house, a younger man ran out.

"Ani-sama!" he called out. "Dammit! That youkai got you! S-shit! Somebody, anyone! Do something!"

The bearded man laid down, clutching the stump and staring up at the sky.

From what Travis assumed to be a school, a silver haired woman in a dark blue dress with white sleeves and a red ribbon came out with a group of children and a first aid kit.

"Kazama-san, please! Hang in there!" the woman called out, pulling on gloves.

"Kamishirasawa-sensei, can we get him to Dr. Yagokoro?" the younger Kazama brother asked, to which Kamishirasawa-sensei nodded, wrapping a bandage around the stump. "It's gonna be okay, Ani-sama! We'll fix you, I promise!"

One of the kids darted over to the men. "Ani-ki Shin! Ani-ki Abe!"

"Run back to Mama, Yuuki-kun! Abe-kun and Kamishirasawa-sensei are taking me to get help." the bearded man said, wincing again as he was hauled off. "Mama and Papa need to know I'm still alive…"

Yuuki backed off, tears growing in his eyes. "Please, come back!"

Travis stood there, saying nothing. What could he say? He looked over to the village's entrance and saw Reimu and Marisa. Reimu had gritted her teeth, while Marisa stood there with a similarly vacant wide mouthed expression to what Travis had. The maiden elbowed the magician, and the latter took off on her broom.

She walked over to Kamishirasawa-sensei and said something Travis couldn't hear. She nodded again, and sure enough they were off.

Reimu sighed, and kicked a rock. "What's even happening anymore?" she sighed, letting her hands fall down.

"Who the fuck was that Rumia girl?" Travis asked.

"Rumia's a youkai of darkness. She took off because of that katana's light, but how she got in here in the first place is a different issue. It's way too bright out for her to be out like this."

Travis looked over and saw that Jeane was scurrying on over to them now that the chaos was over. He scooped her up into his arms and said "Hey there, girl. Guard my stuff?"

The cat meowed, jumping out of his arms and rubbing herself against his leg. _Does the inn let cats stay with their owners?_

* * *

Travis sat down at the tavern's bar with Reimu. They had ordered lunch, with tempura fish and a can of cheap beer for Travis and a bowl of Udon noodles and glass of sake for Reimu. The barmaid, Kuniko, had taken Travis's suitcase and Jeane up to his room, but was unsure as to what to do with the Schpeltiger. She couldn't exactly slap a bike chain on it, so she just left it outside and slapped a sign on it.

 **Warning: Do you wanna be the jackass who rides this death trap?**

The assassin and the maiden hadn't spoken to each other. It wasn't for a lack of trying, but neither had any idea what to say.

"…so…" Travis began. "…what is it that the Hakurei Shrine Maiden does?"

"I mainly specialize in the extermination of Youkai and maintaining the Great Hakurei Barrier."

"What's that?" Travis asked taking a sip out of the can.

"Put simply, it may be your ticket back home."

Travis's jaw fell open again, a bit of beer dribbling out of his mouth, but he collected himself and said "Really? Well, why the hell am I still here?"

"Yukari won't let you out." Reimu replied instantly. "Not until this Incident is resolved."

"Where the hell is the Incident, then? Do I need to dice Rumia so I can go home?"

"Who knows? A small scale Youkai attack's not all that notable." She placed her chopsticks down, and turned to face him. Travis said nothing as she continued. "Then again, I'm surprised she managed to get anyone at all. Ordinarily, she doesn't try all that hard and instead tries mooching meat from someone else. Not to mention Kamishirasawa-sensei's usually on guard even while teaching."

"So, how many youkai in Gensokyo eat humans?"

"It'd be untrue to say ALL of them, but… don't worry, you'll be fine."

Travis had sat on his bed petting Jeane. Food and water dishes given to him by Kuniko were out on the floor in the corner of the room, and at the foot of the bed was his suitcase, which he had yet to unpack.

After a moment of aimless thinking, he got off the bed, pulling the suitcase with him. With a click, it opened.

Before Travis knew what had happened, he was buried under an eruption of pants, t-shirts, jackets, belts, boxer shorts, and sunglasses, like a laundry day Pompeii. And to top it all off, a bag of Jeane's favorite premium cat food landed on top of him.

The rest of the night was spent sorting it out as he gathered his thoughts for the day.

By now, he was almost certain that Sylvia, or Henry, or someone noticed that he had vanished. Maybe someone will use a massive amount of money and technology or that Akashic Point bullshit from Desperate Struggle to come looking for him. …but was it even possible for anyone but Yukari or the Moriya deities, or even Reimu to travel between Gensokyo and his world at will? And how does Yukari have such power in the first place?

Then there was the matter of the Kazama brothers. He was unsure if the eldest would recover from the loss of his hand. Of course, everything he had seen so far didn't completely discount the possibility of it being real, but this… Dr. Yagokoro… what were they like? Were they a Youkai too, and if so could they fix him? And what about this Kamishirasawa-sensei? She looked unusual to be sure, but does that mean she was a Youkai too? Is the Human Village the only one of its kind? And then there's the matter of the Moriya Shrine…

Fuck, this was making his head hurt…

These clothes can wait till tomorrow. It would be best to sleep some.

* * *

A/N: There've been announcements I didn't expect over the course of the month regarding Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes. First, there's the glorious return of Robin Atkin Downes from the first couple games, as well as some DLC I probably should've seen coming. The first I was hoping for. "Black Dandelion" featuring Shinobu! Hopefully she's more fun to play as this time around… maybe fix the taunting problem. Then there's "Bubblegum Fatale", featuring Bad Girl. This came… well, not really out of nowhere, since she's a driving element in the game, but I certainly didn't expect to be able to play as her, especially considering… well, she's dead. It's a very pleasant surprise, but I'm still pretty… confounded? Is that the right word? Well, anyway. Hope I'll see you all next time, where we hang out with Henry some more, and meet some new friends. And Happy New Year, everyone!

(Catch the Foodfight reference, win a prize of zero moneys!)


	6. Chapter 4: Speed Home California

A/N: Henry time, I'm late, I know, let's go.

* * *

Chapter 4: Speed Home California

(BGM: "Pyrite Town" Pokémon Colosseum – Composed by Tsukasa Tawada)

Henry Cooldown cruised around Speed City's sand covered streets as its brown skyscrapers continued to slowly erode around him. He glanced down at his phone at a rusted stop sign that now read "SHIT" (with the "HIT" in brown lettering for added comedic value), looking at a smashed clock face on the top of a dingy, miserable looking train station. The last place he visited was German Suplex Station, and the station before that Lancashire Catch Station, and before that Canadian Destroyer Station…

He sat down on the sidewalk next to a parking meter. He could barely hear the sounds of a motor from far away. Maybe some other hooligan got the idea to drive around Speed City as well.

He finally got an idea as to where Russian Tie-Up Station was. As the sight of the smashed clock face came into view, Henry slowed down. He had finally arrived to the designated location, and yet Wolf Vann was nowhere in sight. Perhaps he was early, or Wolf had stood him up… Henry folded his arms and leaned up against the wall. He pulled out his phone, and opened it up.

 _Wolf, where are you?_

 _Be patient, Henry. Traffic is a nightmare right now._

 _Coming in from Los Angeles?_

 _Yeah. I encountered a kid calling himself Mr. Calabasas._

 _He's that kid on Human Tube, right?_

 _The very same. I thought I ran the fucker over with my car, but now I wish I really did. He held me up trying to get me in one of his prank vlogs, but I managed to escape. The bastard even tried to follow me before he encountered his brother on the street._

 _So, when are you getting here?_

 _15 minutes is my estimation. But onto more pressing matters. I'm picked up intel of someone who's searching for your brother too._

 _It's just Sylvia. She's crafty, but she won't get in our way._

 _I'm not talking about her._

Henry's eyebrows raised in surprise. And suddenly, he felt much more on guard than before.

Ten minutes of time had passed, and he once again heard the sounds of an engine. It sounded like a motorcycle revving up. He put his arms on his beam katana's handle as he saw a person in a pink Japanese schoolgirl uniform on a Honda CB750 coming towards him at high speed. The person braked and rocketed into the air as Henry barely managed to jump out of the way of the bike, which forcibly buried itself in the concrete wall behind him with a deafening "Crash!" The person on the bike removed their helmet, letting a long mane of purple hair flow free.

"Ah, good evening, Henry Cooldown." The purple-haired teen said. "How are you doing this fine afternoon?"

"Hmph. So, a young lad such as you is an assassin?" Though Henry didn't show it, he was put off by this person's voice. It was a bizarre voice belonging to a Shibuya youth tempered by ghastly Siberian winters and sweltering Californian summers.

"Indeed, Sir Henry." He flipped his hair. His face suddenly took a more feminine shape and structure as it smiled. "It's an honor to meet one such as yourself."

"What's your name lad… lass…? I'm sorry, I'm not sure how to refer to you."

"Either's fine, but I'm calling myself a man right now. You can also refer to me as Yuri Vorona Kalashnikov." The young man said, his voice somehow sounding higher. "Though simply Yuri would be fine as well."

Yuri paused for a moment. He put his left hand up to his ear, and seemed to listen closely.

"Ah, so that's how it is… uh huh… _shikata ga nai…_ Understood." Yuri looked over to Henry and his smile darkened, as he took the earpiece out and crushed it by curling his hand into a fist.

From out of the sleeve and into Yuri's other hand came the handle of a beam katana. It activated and a crimson beam emitted, and fell onto the floor in a rope. He flicked his arm and wrist, and the beam cracked loudly.

"Let's have some fun, shall we?"

Henry drew his katana, and pointed its purple beam at him.

"Oh my, it's as long as I've heard!" the man seemed enthusiastic.

"…yes, I'll just be ignoring that, thank you."

Yuri undid his uniform's jacket, showing a Marilyn Monroe t-shirt, like the kinds you often see American high-schoolers wear. The actress was heavily bandaged and seemed to be hooked up to an IV bag, but otherwise seemed to be well. Beneath her was a glittering pink cursive caption reading "Hurt by others, hurt by yourself".

"It's unbearably hot out." Yuri continued. "Perhaps I'll work up a nice cool sweat by slicing your body apart." Suddenly, he whipped the beam forth, which Henry barely dodged in time.

"I see that I have no choice in the matter then!" Henry called out. "I hope that you're willing to die."

Leagues of assassins, twin brothers, earthquake machines, Freudian nightmares shaped like anime girls, corporate conspiracies, people with animal tails and ears, and now a crossdressing Russian teen… Henry should take a nice vacation somewhere when this is all over. Perhaps justify his non-presence in Travis Strikes Again…

* * *

(BGM: "Veiled in Black" - Final Fantasy XV, Composed by Yoko Shimomura, the Omnipotent)

Yuri charged forward, and whipped him again. Henry barely managed to block it with the Vosmir.

"This is my weapon." Yuri called out over the sparks. "Her name is Krovliliya, but you can call her your executioner!"

The crimson beam darted forth and nicked Henry on the shoulder, sending him reeling slightly.

"Got you!" The Russian yelled, but Henry threw the Vosmir up into the air. The second lash was just barely dodge-able, and now he was dashing around him.

"Hmph! If you're trying to use your Bankai like that Ichigo fellow does, then I'm afraid that it won't do you any good!"

 **Corvus Sign "VV Corvi – Spectroscopic Eclipsing Binary"**

Suddenly, Henry's vision was caught in a purple light. He instinctively back-flipped out of the way, and saw that a massive orb of purple energy had crashed down on the asphalt in front of him. He barely had time to catch his breath; as it turns out, the damn thing had a friend.

"Are my balls big enough for you, Sir Henry?"

"Shit! Are projectiles the big trend nowadays?" Henry asked, as he suddenly realized… _They're bouncing._

"It's called Danmaku, old man." Yuri called out, whipping one of the orbs back. "All the cool kids nowadays are into it."

"How the hell does this even work?" Henry demanded, finally catching his weapon as it came down. He fired his own projectile out of the Vosmir, but Yuri did a split and ducked under it.

"Maybe when you stop struggling, I'll tell you." He shot back.

Suddenly, Henry got an idea. He stood in place, instinctively blocking Krovliliya's lashes, and watched the movement of the energy orbs. They were bouncing slightly faster and further from them now, and seemed to have expanded in size. He decided to take in his surroundings more. If he could get up the steps of Russian Tie-Up Station, he might be able to get out of the way when they inevitably explode. He turned around and dashed back to the Station, and he heard a pair of footsteps chasing after him. Henry picked up the pace and bounded up the stairs. He turned around, and looked at him closer. Marilyn Monroe had turned into Albert Einstein, and Yuri himself lit up with ecstasy.

"Trying to escape, huh?" Yuri swung the whip forward, and it slapped against Henry's leg. "Too bad, I won't be leaving anytime soon!"

Henry, however, fought through the pain and immediately sliced at his enemy several times in rapid succession. With the last, brutal slice, Yuri was knocked back as the balls disappeared.

"Ah! Damn!" Yuri screamed. "Shit! That actually hurt!"

Henry said nothing as he stared down his opponent again. He pointed the Vosmir again.

"Fuck! Fuck…" Yuri screamed again, as he stumbled down the stairs, firing shots of energy out of his own weapon's handle. "Do you think you've won, asshole!? Not yet! Prepare for death!"

 **Sun Sign "Albino Crow Dyed Black by Apollo"**

A massive flock of birds burst out from the Krovliliya. Henry felt himself covered in shade. He looked up, and saw a massive blanket of red, purple, black, and white feathers slowly falling down on them.

Henry was confused for a moment, but immediately understood when a black one seared the left side of his face. Afterwards, he started doing everything he could to dodge these feathers. First, he did a side flip, using his katana to block the feathers above. Then he began dashing towards Yuri, who obviously wasn't affected by the feathers. Henry aimed the Vosmir and fired off several shots at the feathers around them both, then slashed again. But this time, the Krovliliya was there to greet him as each feather barely grazed his body.

"Do you really think you can win, Sir Henry?" Yuri breathed out. "Not on your life! I'll whip you into shape!"

"Then you'll have to try harder than that!"

Henry barely had enough dexterity to hold Yuri back and dodge the feathers at the same time. Essentially, the two devolved into a waltz. Whenever one tried to exploit the slack in his opponent's arm, the other tensed up and tried to do the same thing, goading his opponent into moving around, whether it was into the feathers or into a relatively safe area. Eventually, both of their grips started to loosen as their energy lessened. Suddenly, Henry charged forward, ramming his katana into the Russian's shoulder, which seemed to cause the feathers to fade. Henry was covered in first and second burns and Yuri had a deep wound.

"Damn! I'm bleeding even more!"

"Are you done yet?"

"Hah… I admit, you're even better than I've heard…" Yuri suddenly started whipping faster, with Henry barely even having time to back up.

"I appreciate your words, but your empty compliments won't help you!" Henry saw that Krovliliya had wrapped around his arm and had singed his jacket's sleeve.

"I'm serious! I really ought to treat you to a drink."

"Sure you're old enough to buy me one?" He asked as he finally managed to push back.

To Henry's surprise, Yuri merely smiled and snapped his fingers.

 **Suzaku Sign "Wine Shop Banner Hanging in the Willow Lunar Mansion"**

He felt the ground shake beneath them as a gold-and-silver colored sapling suddenly sprouted out from the cracked asphalt, before it erupted into a full willow tree. The area around Henry suddenly seemed to change. And Yuri… well, he had started twirling around like an Olympic gymnast, using the Krovliliya as a ribbon.

The buildings around them crumbled as the walls of an Oriental-styled castle courtyard rose up around them. The sky darkened again, but now Henry saw that the goddamn moon was out in the middle of the goddamn afternoon in a sea of stars. And grass had grown all throughout the area around the tree. A huge banner unfurled from the top of the tree. An ethereal, elderly man in an azure glow had faded into existence under the tree, sitting with an assortment of wine vessels. From the entrances on the side, similarly ethereal people in traditional Chinese and Japanese dress were coming in. Yuri politely greeted each one he pirouetted around with "Good morning" or "How are you today?", while Henry was stung by coming into contact with their skin.

"What the hell?" Henry asked. "Where the hell are we?"

"Did you not hear me?" Yuri stated, sneering as he flicked his wrists and clicked his fingers. "This is the last Spell Card I'll use before I kill you!"

Suddenly, Yuri grabbed Henry by his neck and pushed him face first into the right arm of a random geezer, who walked along blissfully unaware of the partly suffocating Irishman on top of him. A harsh second degree burn was now forming on the left side of Henry's face. "Dammit!" he shouted.

 _If I don't get out right now, my face will be permanently damaged! But how…_

And then Henry realized… he kicked Yuri in the shin, and grabbing the handle of the whip as the Russian's grip loosened.

"Argh! What the-?!"

Henry activated the whip and then wrapped it around Yuri's body. He yanked it back and watched it burn his jacket, and kicked him down _hard_. Then, he jumped up and drop kicked him straight in the chest.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!"

* * *

 _ **YURI VORONA KALASHNIKOV – BESTED!**_

* * *

Yuri lay there, spitting blood onto the ground as he struggled to sit up.

"What the hell are you doing, Irishman?" he demanded. "Why aren't you killing me?"

Henry deactivated and then sheathed the Vosmir. "It'd be a waste to kill someone like you. After all, why bother when I have questions?"

Yuri looked off to the side as Henry held out a hand. "I failed my assignment… the nearest open hospital is miles and miles away… and my skirt's all dirty now…"

Reluctantly, he took it and was pulled up as he dusted himself off.

"So, tell me, who are you?" Henry asked.

"Yuri Vorona Kalashnikov. I am an engineering student working in Silicon Valley, I used to be a professional ballet dancer, I am an anime fan, and I take assassination missions in my spare time." Yuri began, as he coughed up more blood. "My mission was to assassinate your friend Wolf Vann, but it seems as though that this is now impossible."

"Wolf? Why him?"

"I'm contractually not allowed to tell you but… Eh, not like you're gonna tell anyone. Wolf was apparently fucking my client's wife better than he ever could."

"I… did not need to know-"

"And let me tell you, I'm not really that impressed with her. I mean, she's hot and all but I'd rather be with someone closer to my age."

"…how fascinating."

"So, after I got him to pay me upfront, I cut off his head and stole all of his shiny things, and then decided 'Eh, not like I have anything else to do,' so I decided to come and kill him."

Henry heard a car horn in the distance. From down the street, he saw a T-98 Kombat rolling fast towards them, with the sounds of a live reading done by noted African-American poet Curtis James Jackson III blasting from it. He grabbed Yuri and jumped out of the way as it screeched to a halt.

The horn honked, as the driver's window fell open, revealing an older Russian gentleman in a black Armani suit and silk tie with a golden championship belt. "Henry! How are you doing, comrade?"

Henry sighed as he approached the SUV, with Yuri staggering behind him.

"Hello, Wolf…" he began. "I see you're travelling discreetly today." Henry sighed.

"Yep! I have to… say, who's the twink you got there?"

"I am Yuri. I… well, I WAS supposed to kill you…" Yuri looked away sheepishly.

"Ah, that's right! Petrakova's assassin, right? I've heard so much about you from Kalinka… you're even more of a pretty boy than I thought you'd be." Wolf grinned, picking up a lit cigar and reigniting it with a solid gold lighter. "So, I figured out where your shithead brother went, Henry."

"Really? Where?"

"You and your friend ought to hop in. My associates will explain." The backseat doors opened, and Henry and Yuri entered, sitting down on the soft leather seats that faced the other side. They could still hear the sounds of the pumping stereo.

Sitting across from them was a woman with long blonde hair and yellow eyes. She wore a yellow tabard adorned with what looked to be the Big Dipper, a green skirt, black boots, and a dark blue three-point hat. Sitting next to her on either side were two girls: one with reseda green hair in a dark green dress with black-cuffed short sleeves, a white half apron around the waist, and a bertha collar; all with rose lace at the bottom, with yellow buttons down the middle of it. She wore black knee-high socks with green shoes. The other, with light brown hair, wore a similar dress; hers was a violet color, with her buttons replaced by ribbons on her apron and collar, which were laced with yellow rather than the rose color.

"Henry Cooldown, it's an honor to meet you." The blonde woman said, holding out a hand. "My name is Okina Matara, and these are my servants Mai Teireda…" The green one bowed slightly in her seat. "…and Satono Nishida." The other followed suit, this time leaning a bit further a bit further.

"Pleasure. This is my associate, Yuri V. Kalashnikov." Henry replied as he shook her hand, and Yuri rounded it out with "Charmed, Matara-san."

"Now, you're looking for Travis Touchdown, right?" The woman began. "Well, I happen to know what country he's in right now."

"Well, what're you waiting for, hurry up and tell me!" Henry said.

"How pushy… I assumed you were a more patient man." Okina continued. "…well, if you must know, he's currently in my country of Gensokyo."

"…of course. You're having a laugh, aren't you?" Henry noticed that the SUV was moving now, and from what he could barely see from outside the bulletproof tinted windows it had done a complete 180 and was now heading the opposite direction.

"I'm taking you to where our thing is!" Wolf called out from the front. "Shouldn't take long at all!"

"Why would I lie about your brother? He's bound to cause trouble in my country!" Okina shouted. "We've seen the way he fought Alice Margatroid and defended the Humans from a Youkai attack. I'm sure you'd love to take him home, won't you?"

Henry paused for a second, before saying "Youkai? What sort of nonsense is this?"

"Monsters of Japanese myth… perhaps you ought to listen to her." Yuri piped up.

"Clever boy. Now…"

* * *

To save time and words for purposes other than exposition that you probably already know, Henry learned that Okina is one of her magical country's founders, known as the Sages of Gensokyo. Okina's fellow Sage Yukari Yakumo abducted Travis so that he could solve an "incident" that most certainly won't be solved anytime soon, if the tone of her voice was to be believed.

"So how long will it take to get to this Gensokyo of yours?" Henry asked, crossing his legs.

"Oh, not too terribly long! As a matter of fact…" Okina opened the door as the car screeched to a halt. "We're already here."

(BGM: "At The End of Time" Chrono Trigger - Composed by Yasunori Mitsuda)

Henry and Yuri looked out the door and saw that they were in a red sky with big green doors everywhere. Anxiously, Henry stepped forth onto the sky, and saw little ripples beneath his feet. He stepped forth carefully. Suddenly, Yuri sprung forward in a great _assemblé_ , then a _brisé_ , and finally a _ciseaux_ into a pinpoint arabesque. Yuri looked at Henry, who was unsure whether to applaud or ask-

"What the hell was that about?"

Yuri chuckled a little bit. "Impressed? It's all a part of my training."

"My, my, young man." Okina giggled. "You're quite skilled."

Yuri waved her off in mock-humility. "Oh, you're just saying that… but I know."

"Where are we, anyway?" Henry asked.

"The Land of the Back Door." Okina began, as she and her servants exited the car. "It's my own little realm where one can travel to any point in Gensokyo in an instant."

Henry observed the doors closer and saw things like "Scarlet Devil Mansion (Koumakan)", "Palace of the Earth Spirits (Chireiden)", "Hakurei Shrine", "House of Eternity (Eientei)", "Human Village", and "Shining Needle Castle (Kishinjou)" written in little plaques on their right sides.

"Your brother will remain somewhere in Gensokyo for quite some time. Only question is, do you know where he is?" Okina asked, standing uncomfortably close behind him.

"No." Henry answered flatly. "How the hell am I supposed to know where to start looking?"

"That's for you to determine. In the meantime, I suggest you be careful. There seems to be another person roaming Gensokyo…" Okina laughed as she and her servants seemed to vanish as Henry turned around.

"That was too close, Henry… she nearly opened your back door!" Wolf laughed.

"Hmph… lucky you…" Yuri muttered, before immediately changing the subject. "At any rate, does Travis have a penchant for getting himself in trouble?"

"Yes, quite unfortunately. The last time I talked to him in person, he was going on and on about finding some stupid thing called the Death Drive Mark II."

"Oh, the phantom game console designed by HAZRE?"

"Oh God, don't tell me you're looking for the damn thing too." Henry put a hand up to his face.

"It'd be any gamer's dream to experience the games for themselves! I wonder… is it here in Gensokyo?" Yuri asked, cracking his knuckles. He immediately ran over to a door, and entered it.

"Hey!" Henry called out. He looked over to Wolf.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine here. I brought everything I need in the trunk."

Henry shook it out of his head and ran after him.

* * *

A/N: It's not as late as usual, but it's still kinda late. I'm sure you've noticed the... ah, subtitle, I've given "Touhou – Beam Katana Chronicles"… or rather, "Touhou Zangetsuden – Beam Katana Chronicles". Let me explain. "Zangetsu" is the term the Japanese use to describe the moon appearing in the morning, and has also been used in media like Bleach ("Slaying moon", as Ichigo's Zanpakuto), Code Geass ("Cut the moon", as Tohdoh's Knightmare Frame), and IGA's upcoming indie Metroidvania Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night, and its spinoff, Curse of the Moon for its Shinto demon hunter… so yeah, the Moon's kind of important. "Den", meanwhile is like "Kanjuden" (the Japanese subtitle for Legacy of Lunatic Kingdom), where it means "tale". So "Morning Moon Tale".


	7. Chapter 4 point 5: American Football

A/N: You wanna know an April Fool's joke? My update schedule. Well, Chapter 5 still ain't done. (Sowwy.) Here's something _real_ shitty and low-effort to hold you over until then… and maybe you'll discover exactly what the new naming convention for this series' chapters from 3 onwards will be.

* * *

Chapter 4.5: American Football

Travis woke up today to find himself covered in Saran wrap. "Fuck." He said, rolling out of the bed and breaking his necc. He wormed his way over to Jeane, who gently clawed his arms out like a TV dinner.

"Fuck." He bowed his head, to which Jeane responded by licking his face and curling back up on her bed.

He yanked off all the wrap and opened his wardrobe. "FUCK!" he yelled upon opening said wardrobe only to discover nothing inside said wardrobe. "Marisa stole the precious everything!"

He ran down the stairs in his dirty ass clothes and saw Marisa sitting there in his Dark Gray shades, his Crash Star jacket, his limited edition t-shirt depicting Blueberry from Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly, his Snapping Turtle jeans, and his Silver Serpent belt.

"BITCH!" Travis shouted, busting out the Tsubaki Mk. II. Oh yes, I said II. As in, two. Dos. Deux. Ni. Zwei.

Look at this fuckin' impractical ass bullshit. Seriously, who on earth needs _FIVE_ beams? It does more damage with each swing than the Mk. III, yeah, but did this power hog didn't appear in Desperate Struggle. And you wanna know why? Well, it doesn't explain why it's been shafted, but I wasn't a big fan of it anyway. I always thought its design was way bulkier than it should be. The rotation is kinda cool, but honestly it just looks like a fuckin' nightmare to use. Besides, you can't get as many combos with it as you can with the Mk. III, and while it _is_ technically stronger from a damage per hit perspective, it's nowhere near as fast. Not to mention the Mk. III can be upgraded even further in 1 to be even stronger _and_ not need to recharge!

Anyway, where was I? Oh right. Marisa chose to run away, and so Travis, in his red attire, followed after her.

* * *

Reimu sat alone drinking tea in the shrine when suddenly Marisa burst in wearing obviously stolen clothes.

"REIMU! HELP ME!" she yelled, ducking behind her, as a big angry Travis Touchdown came into the room yelling "FUCK!"

Reimu took out her purification rod and swung it around. Lazers happened.

Travis ate the lazers.

Marisa took out her fuckin' lazer oven thing, the Hakuba or whatever it's called. Lazers 2.

Travis ate lazer seconds.

They fought and it was cool.

End the.

* * *

"NUCLEAR BONER!" Yuri shouted, slapping himself on the ass.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Yuri. I know this is an April Fool's chapter but that's no excuse to be acting like a jackass." Henry said, scowling in his sparkly disco ninja suit.

"SUCK MY COLD WAR MISSILE!" Yuri screeched as he rolled around on the floor.

"Alright then, stay there."

"VODKA DRUNKENSKI! CHEEKI BREEKI!"

Henry broke down the door to my front door, wait wha-

"Hey!"

Um… I may be in trouble.

"Listen, I know you need filler conten

* * *

t, but there's no way you can derail your own character for it."

Uh… okay…

"Good. I'm watching you…"

…Henry cannot speak until Chapter 5.

"Hold on… what?"

* * *

"Whew. Sorry about that, comrade. I got really hot and heavy all of a sudden…" Yuri muttered, dusting himself. "You look unhappy."

Henry didn't say anything.

"Well, if you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to." Yuri said, pulling out the Krovlilya. "Hey, why don't you go to the store and pick up some milk?"

Henry would've said that he can't find a fucking store, but he didn't.

"Yeah, take your time, friend… I have an… appointment." Yuri activated the whip and went into his completely empty tent. Before he closed it as he undid his uniform, he said "Fuck off."

With nothing else to do, Henry set out looking for an actual store. Maybe this will actually have meaning.

* * *

A/N: Please go do something better with your time today, okay? April Fool's is a boring day, so try and write your own comedy stories.

Oh, and I guess since this is slightly relevant, funny story time. I had a dream where I posted a shitty April Fool's chapter like this one, and everyone fucking hated me afterwards. It was scary for a bit, but eh. I just wish it was real now. Seemed like it'd be funny.


End file.
